


All is Not Fair in Love and War

by Nuwho



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-01 03:49:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12696714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nuwho/pseuds/Nuwho
Summary: The Tenth Doctor kicks Rose off of the Tardis because he has something he has to do and does not want Rose to be with him when he goes.  He has to get help to let her know why so enlists the Eighth Doctor to deliver his messages.  Mild description of torture in later chapters.





	1. Goodbye

"All’s Never Fair Between Love and War"

If they say  
Who cares if one more light goes out?  
In a sky of a million stars  
It flickers, flickers  
Who cares when someone's time runs out?  
If a moment is all we are  
We're quicker, quicker  
Who cares if one more light goes out?  
Well I do  
“One More Light” by Linkin Park

Chapter 1 ~ Goodbye

“Where have you been, mum and I were getting worried”  
Now, to be hugged by both Tyler women at once was a bit…well….one notch down from terrifying. Still he threw his arms around them both and hugged back, pulling away only when he felt Jackie’s lips connect with the new, new skin on his cheek.  
“How long was I away?” his time sense all thrown off by being battle weary. He dropped down on the sofa and sighed.  
“Almost 2 full months!” a million questions dangled in the air between them but right now it was this.  
“You said that you would only be gone a few days, so we were worried that you were hurt or that you had changed your mind about, well….” She stopped, afraid that he might view her as too clingy if she completed her sentence.  
She bit her lower lip in worry, seemingly fascinated by a piece of thread hanging off her pajamas.  
“Rose?”  
“I thought that maybe, being the ‘new, new Doctor’ and all you changed your mind about ‘us,’ you and me I mean. Maybe you decided to go it alone?” She motioned to herself and the Doctor. “I mean having me come with you and all.”  
His silence spoke volumes.  
He looked everywhere but into her eyes. He couldn’t lie to her. But if he could avoid the truth, well, the lesser of two evils  
She was still learning about this new ‘man’ but she could not help but compare him to her first Doctor, who would smile occasionally but it was as if he had his own personal rain cloud over his shoulder. Always a heavy burden weighing him down. Now this Doctor who was seemingly light hearted at first suddenly had that same storm brewing in his tired eyes. She couldn’t shake the feeling that something happened while he was away, but she told herself she would wait for him to confide in her.  
In fact, the more she looked at him the more exhausted he appeared.  
The evening dragged on with some take-out and cheap wine when suddenly the Doctor pulled Rose aside and told her that they needed to leave because they had something to discuss. Rose took her now very tipsy mom by the arm and walked her very unsteadily back to her bedroom. She tucked her in, giving her a kiss and closed the door quietly behind her.  
When she got back to the parlor the Doctor was already heading down the stairs. Even at a distance she could see that whatever was eating at him was serious. She took off down the stairs and barely caught up with him by the time he was putting his key in the door. Once inside he made his way to the jump seat without a word, leaving Rose to shut the door. Then he sat down with his long legs propped on the metallic guard in front of him. Rose stood by the rotor looking at him and then tried to make small conversation.  
“Movie night, right? What do you want to watch?” She tried to sound perky but couldn’t hide the trembling in her voice. It didn’t help that he didn’t respond, just sat there rubbing his face with his hands.  
“Doctor, come on the little banana cookies mum baked weren’t poisonous or anything like that.”  
No reaction, just the immovable force that was the Doctor. She knew there was something bothering him, and it had to be big to stop his ever present gob.  
She crouched down in front of him.  
“Please talk to me please. Whatever it is we can face it together, ok?”  
He raised his eyes at this and just stared at her. Then he sighed and shook his head. He picked himself up and took her hand, not releasing it until they settled in the Library on their favorite couch. The Tardis had lit the fireplace and dimmed the lights in anticipation of the discussion to come. Even the machine herself felt the strain and knew that this was not going to end well.


	2. A Heart Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letting her go.

Chapter 2 ~ A Heart Revealed

“Leave the fire behind you and start,  
I’ll be playing it by ear,  
Left here with an empty-handed heart.”  
“Empty Handed Heart” by Warren Zevon

They sat right next to each other on the couch, his thigh touching hers, his arm draped across the back of the sofa, near but not touching her shoulder. She noticed he was trembling slightly.  
“Rose….” he whispered, “Rose I need you to do something for me ok?”  
“Anything you ask me to do I will. You know that”  
“First please remember when I say this, I care for you very much.” He stared into the fire, its sparks reflected in his eyes. He was afraid that if he were to look at her, his resolve would just melt away. He continued….  
“Well to get to the reason I wanted to speak to you in private is that I needed to let you know that I have to take care of something pretty far away from here. I made a promise that I must keep, and it is the reason I was gone as long as I was. Like I said I am sorry about that.”  
She leaned her head against his chest, and placed her palm between his two brave hearts. The sound of them beating were reassuring and soothing as if they were only beating for her. They were the sound of her own personal lullaby. They meant home. She giggled to herself when she thought of that old phrase changed, to suit her purpose, “home is where the hearts are.”  
He shifted in his seat and she could feel the tension building in him. She could tell that whatever it was that he was about to say was not going to be pleasant.  
“Rose” his strong voice barely a whisper. He looked at her then. He owed her that much.  
“I need you to go back to your mum.” Rose sat forward a bit, so she could see his face.  
“How much should I pack? How long do you think you will be gone?”  
There was a hitch in her voice which spoke more than words. He could feel wave after wave of misery coming from her, or maybe it was from him. The air around them became thick, making it hard to breathe.  
“Can’t I come? We are a team you and I remember?” She really didn’t want to sound like she was begging but if she had to stoop that low she would.  
“No.”  
She was shocked how those two little letters could deconstruct her whole life. He never said ‘no’ to her before, at least not that she remembered.  
“Rose I really don’t know when I will be back, or even if I ever will” once again he fixed his gaze straight ahead.  
She felt like she was drowning and the hand that would always reach down to save her wasn’t there to save her.  
There was complete silence.  
Rose felt like she had been slapped. Leave the Tardis? Leave HIM?  
None of this made sense!  
She stood next to him in front of the fire, only to have him bolt again.  
Putting his hands in his pockets he started to pace around the room like a caged beast, then in a fit of anger he shoved the double doors open and slammed them shut behind him. He did it with such force that a few of the books on the shelves by the door fell to the floor.  
She couldn’t hold them back anymore, so she just let the tears flow free. Pain, anger, hurt, disbelief; all of them jumbled together in her head. She wrapped herself in her own arms and sobbed, deep bone crushing, soul breaking sounds escaped her lips.  
He could hear her, could feel her unraveling with every word he had spoken. His words were like knives cutting her down and pulling the proverbial rug out from under her.  
Her sobs became whimpers, but now she was seething, and he knew what was coming next.  
Rose took a couple of deep breaths and left the library, not bothering to pick up the books he left behind. She was curious as to where he went but she didn’t have to look far. He was deep in the console, ripping the Tardis to pieces to get it ready to go to who knows where. She watched him with his screwdriver between his teeth, both hands working feverishly to fix some switches here and some wires there.  
He was speaking or rather what sounded like cursing in Gallifreyan, his jacket and tie tossed over the jump seat. She broke into the only smile of the evening when she momentarily found his state of undress and his passion as he worked somewhat…stimulating. She wanted too, no needed to confront him again but she decided it was going to be on her turf so to speak. She walked right past him and proceeded down the hall to the one place she always felt safe.  
She opened the door of her (used to be) room and out of habit locked it behind her. If he wants her out, he will HAVE to talk to her and tell her the truth. She curled up on the bed and waited.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letting her go (please don't go)

Chapter 3 ~ Retreat

When you see me  
Fly away without you  
Shadow on the things you know  
Feathers fall around you  
And show you the way to go  
It's over, it's over  
“Birds” by Neil Young

He had a feeling she would go there after everything that was said. She needed a few moments to collect herself before leaving, and in truth so did he. He mentally agreed with her plan of action and gave her some space. 15 minutes should suffice, he thought.  
He almost had the Tardis ‘battle ready’ with the changes he made to her shields. He apologized to her because he knew it was not something she was used to. He also apologized for making Rose leave. He received a sigh of sadness in his mind from his old ship, who loved her like no other. He tried to explain but he didn’t have to. The Tardis knew and understood that sometimes in order to move forward you had to take a few steps back. He just hoped that Rose would be OK without them; she hadn’t been completely on her own for some time now.   
He promised her that they could come back here every now and then and check up on Rose from a safe distance, of course. There would be plenty of time to do that before she moved on with her life. Right? Maybe there is someone even now who has been waiting in the wings for a chance to take her out. Maybe even Mickey again. It shouldn’t matter to him, it really shouldn’t if some really great guy holds her tight and makes love to her and tells her everything she needs to hear.   
Yep, definitely a good thing.  
Finally, his internal dialogue stopped annoying him with scenario after scenario dealing with Roses’ happiness to the point where he knew that it was time for him to do the impossible; get Rose to leave.   
Like her, he took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself and headed off down the long hall way towards her room.   
‘So much for deep breathing’ he thought to himself as his respiratory bypass kicked in.  
He exhaled in a sigh just as he reached her room.  
Inside Rose was sitting crossed legged on what used to be her bed, hugging her pillow (‘she would be damned if she was going to leave that behind.’)   
She decided on the fly that she was going to spend one last night in her soon to be old bed and to hell with him, he can leave in the morning to where ever the hell he was heading. She couldn’t help but fill in the end of that sentence with ‘without me.’   
So, to show herself that she was committed to her new plan to stay overnight she pulled her off her jeans and tossed them onto the chair nearest the bed, (‘the one where he would sit and keep her company after a nightmare had stolen sleep from her’) then reached around and took off her bra, throwing it there as well.   
Since it appeared he had already emptied her drawers and closet she was stuck wearing her long black t-shirt for the night. She couldn’t help but remember receiving that just recently in fact as a (highly prized!) gift on a world where she and the Doctor struggled side by side to calm the unrest of the people. On it was written (she had been told) words of gratitude in some unpronounceable language which she told the Doctor probably said:   
‘I went to (fill in the planet) to stop two opposing forces from killing each other and all I got was this lousy shirt’.   
He didn’t get it at first but when he did, he laughed so loud that she thought they would get arrested for a noise violation of some sort.   
He said, in tears by this point that there would probably be a shirt to commemorate that feat as well. She was going to miss that laugh.   
She was going to miss so much.  
The funny thing was that even though the length of time with this ‘new new’ Doctor was a little bit less than her first, there were more happy memories with him than ‘big ears and daft face.’ If he had never changed, she wondered if this would still have happened.   
She was in the middle of replaying the great memories they had made together and pondering the unknowable when the expected knock came at the door. She was hoping that maybe he was going to say that he changed his mind or to tell her that he would not need to be gone for long.   
He never invaded her privacy without her invitation or if he had heard her crying out, so she thought that possibly he would let her be for the night if she did not answer.   
That went out the window however with the second, more insistent knock along with “Rose, I think you have had plenty of time to grab anything that I might have missed so open the door, so we can say our goodbyes and I can get going” came through the wall.   
Oh, she knew that tone of voice so well. From the moment he opened his mouth tonight till now it was the same. She had listened to him speak that way while giving some sort of speech to usually very large groups of people. It would convey how serious he was and that they’d better listen. She would stand by his side, secretly just as enraptured as the rest hearing those dark and dangerous tones coming from him. He was like steel wrapped in velvet during those moments. And now? Now she just wanted him to shut up and go away.   
“Doctor” she said with a forced yawn, “I am very tired and am going to sleep in my old bed tonight for one last time. Please come back and get me in the morning and I will gladly (she emphasized gladly) go back to the flat.”  
It was quiet at first but then the all too familiar sound of the screwdriver broke the silence, as did the sliding back of the tumbler in the door.   
She quickly tried to pull up the flimsy blanket she had been casually sitting on, to cover her bare legs and bring it up to her chin, modesty taking a front seat to any argument or sadness she might have been feeling at that moment. She would have made it in time if he hadn’t burst into the room like a hurricane, looking around and blinking in the dim light, obviously a man on a mission.   
A mission that was NOT supposed to include catching her in her long, form fitting black tee shirt, the same plain black shirt she had on earlier but had now been transformed into an extremely provocative piece of sleepwear with her jeans and bra tossed to the side. AND he certainly was NOT supposed to be viewing her in that state of undress with her lovely blonde hair cascading over her shoulders and framing her now very stunned face and her beautiful, honey brown eyes opened wide in surprise.  
He went from a frenzied ball of energy to dead stillness, frozen in place by her appearance as if seeing her for the first time that night, in fact in the last 2 months since he had been away. For a man who could ramble on and talk about almost nothing it was its polar-opposite that was getting the point across now, loud and clear.   
He was staring, caught so off guard that he almost looked innocent. She was reminded of her cousin when he was caught checking out the pictures in some nudie magazine; young and sweet and so out of his depth. If the light had been brighter in her bedroom the image would have been made even more complete by the freckles that adorned his new face.   
“Doctor?” she murmured   
But he wasn’t a young boy. As she had to remind herself too often he wasn’t even human. And another word for staring, she was reminded the more they looked at each other from a few feet away, was leering.   
“Rose, are you alright?” After all, from his perspective she had gone from a sweet young girl with an over protective mum to a voluptuous woman getting ready for a pheromone slumber party for one on his Tardis. If he wasn’t so aroused by the sight, he probably would have found it funny.   
“Rose, are you alright!!?” she repeated back to him  
“You have the nerve to ask me if I’m alright?!”   
“Rose, please don’t make this harder than it is. I have to leave as soon as possible.”   
Very aware of the double entendre he threw out, but his time sense was ticking down and he needed to know just what the hell he was up against here.  
“Oh, I see now….” If he could show such disregard for her feelings, then she could do the same with his.   
“What happened…. did you meet someone else, is that the real reason you were gone so long?”   
(His fists clenching and unclenching, jaw tight.)  
“That’s it, isn’t it? I always knew I would be replaced one day but I thought I would get a bit more notice. I should have known”   
She was beyond even trying to keep the deep hurt out of her voice. Judging by his reaction, or lack thereof she was now sure she was right. He had found someone else, period end of her story.  
The air in her room became almost unbreathable, the Tardis cranking down the temperature to try to get Rose to back off. In fact, her newest driver was showing tremendous restraint, in her opinion. But it wouldn’t last, she knew the signs and he was being pushed beyond his very substantial limit.   
She was giving her the only warning she could other than flashing a sign above his head saying, “DROP IT NOW.” There was nothing left to do but to watch this sad scenario play out.   
But Rose didn’t give a damn anymore.   
By this time, she had made it to the end of the bed where he stood, fear taking a back seat to anger. Sadness playing catch up to rage.   
“Or maybe you would prefer it if we both stayed on board with you. Do you like twosomes Doctor? I mean, you and Jack must have….”   
“Shut up” he growled at her, moving closer and taking her by surprise. It was the first and the last verbal clue he’d give her that she had overstepped.   
“I didn’t even know you had those kind of desires, wants, needs whatever you want to call them. I mean, in your last body you seemed to be attracted to me, seemed more ‘NORMAL….”   
Rose looked at him. And then felt her mouth go dry.  
He stared at her, held her fast with a simple look. She thought she had been stared at before, played the game with her mum of ‘who can keep staring at the other the longest’ and she would always win but now….  
Silence. More than just the absence of sound, she could feel this silence hanging all around them. The only sound that cut through the silence was their concurrent panting.  
In the past they had run from alien’s throwing spears, they’ve escaped from jail cells that were deemed unescapable, even marched into a ballroom to break up an arranged marriage, causing the King to force poison down their throats. The Doctor was fine but if he hadn’t gotten her back to the Tardis in time…   
But THIS…this was the scariest moment she had ever experienced. Her life teetered on the head of a pin, not knowing which way she would fall.   
Feeling more naked then she did when he first barged in, she scooted back on the bed until she was in the corner again, never taking her eyes off him.  
“You have to leave, and I mean now. Not tomorrow morning, not in an hour but Right. Now.”   
Was that a threat or a warning, she wasn’t sure but what she was sure of was that she was losing (or had she already lost) the one person she trusted the most to open her heart up to. There would never be another who would make her feel the way he did.   
“You know I really do wish you’d never changed because you are so full of yourself now that you’ve turned into a stranger” she continued,   
“And what about US? You said you made a promise that you had to keep well what about OUR promise to each other to be together for as long as we could? What about that? Remember when YOU asked ME how long I was going to stay with you! YOU asked ME that question and I told you FOREVER!”   
(Fists tighter at his side then before.)   
“All you blokes are the same, exactly the same. You take whatever you want from a girl and then just leave. You are no better than Jimmy, you know that? Yeah, he would hit me but he never lead me on like you have been doing. What he did with his fists you do with a razor tongue that just cuts people down.”  
“I HATE you Doctor. What you are doing to me is just not FAIR!”  
She knew that this was hurting him. Comparing him to Jimmy Stone was a complete low blow that wasn’t really necessary, but he needed to know to what extent he was hurting her.   
(The slightest shift in his eyes, his jaw clenching over and over)   
If she wanted a reaction she was about to get one.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 ~ Pushed Too Far

I was made to keep your body warm  
But I'm cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms  
My hearts against your chest  
Your lips pressed to my neck  
I'm falling for your eyes  
But they don't know me yet  
And with this feeling I'll forget,  
I'm in love now  
Kiss me like you wanna be loved  
“Kiss Me” by Ed Sheeran

 

His stare did not waver but what they reflected changed. He was the only person she had ever met who could use his eyes to speak for him when mere words were failing. Right now, there was confidence and determination coming from his inner being. His stature made him appear taller than he already was, and she wondered how he ever mastered such a hero’s persona. Then as soon as she questioned it she knew the answer. 

He could shine with that light because he truly was a hero.   
THIS Time Lord was not to be toyed with or crossed in any way. He had watched the birth of galaxies and had seen the same ones die, taking any number of sentient beings with it and he mourned them in the only way he could. He would get upset that he could not save them. He was supposed to save them. That was his job.   
He might look like a 20 something college student or teacher but like she sometimes forgot he was a 1000-year-old being, practically a demigod with more knowledge in that massive Gallifreyan mind and incredible strength in that deceptively thin frame than anyone could possibly imagine. 

And it all came down to this. All of it. His history is riddled with those who challenged him believing him to be ‘just another nobody’ and always, always lived to regret it. And there she was, just a shop girl standing toe to toe with the most powerful being in the universe and she was arguing with him.   
So, when he turned towards her very slowly and she saw something indescribably frightening flash across his face, well she may not have had the knowledge that he possessed but she did have animal instincts that were screaming at her to run.

She thought that an odd thing; his first word to her was her last thought at the end with him.   
As she watched him standing there on the opposite end of her bed she thought a bit more about what she really knew about this new Doctor. The power that she could feel seeping out of every pore was as alien as   
it was familiar. 

It was simply rage. But this was rage mixed with? Passion, bravery, an iron will, and two very huge hearts. That was all good stuff. Or so she thought.   
The rage at being the last of the Time Lord’s and everything else that had piled up on him since then, yeah that could break most people. It was that rage that he held against himself so tightly because he feared losing it. The fear at what he could do…fear of who he might hurt. 

Thinking himself a monster for bringing the two most powerful races in all of creation to their knee’s while watching everyone he cared about fall to the ground in his wake.   
So, he raged at the universe instead and at any deity he did not believe in. 

After all, he had to rage at someone for letting him live through the war and leaving him with a set of skills that he did not want and a title that nearly killed him before he could regenerate a couple of times.   
It was the knowledge of his strength mixed up with a touch of Time Lord insanity that had her cowering in the corner once more on the other end of the bed in front of him. And by the same amount of time it took her to figure all that out, he was hovering over her.

She could feel his cool breath panting slightly against the exposed skin of her neck. 

Then he looked at her in a way that nobody ever did before, red hot passion consuming her till the chill of the room disappeared. 

Rose could not keep meeting his hungry gaze, so she looked away, but he wouldn’t allow that. He leaned down on his elbows and grabbed her by the chin, forcing her eyes to meet his again.

She waited for him to begin yelling back at her the way she had at him. She thought for sure he could give it as well as he got. 

But he didn’t do that. Instead he spoke with a deep tone of voice that would have made her tremble no matter what the temperature might have been and left only the smallest hint of doubt as to his own thoughts and feelings. 

“Now that you have stopped for a breath do you mind if I add a bit to all of this? And no, that is not an invitation to continue with your speech. Here is what you need to know about me that has somehow eluded you up to this point. Ready? First, the word FAIR does not even exist in my own personal play book and secondly, I only see what is and what isn’t and not what is FAIR, at least for me”  
“I wasn’t around when FAIR was being doled out Rose, so if you had wanted FAIR out of me you should have spoken up years ago, so I could have stopped this before it really started.”  
“I only see what is and what isn’t, what should be and never can be and not what is necessarily FAIR.”

Being this close to her was having the undesirable effect of wanting to remove the fear he saw looking back at him. But wait. Fear? Of him? He could see why she would be fearful at that moment. 

But there was still something else that he swore he caught a whiff of earlier when he first opened the door. He rechecked his senses and yep, pheromones. 

Fear and attraction sitting in the same room and both coming from Rose. She was turned on by the same person she was afraid of. 

This made his lower/primal self very excited but at the same time he knew that she needed to leave the Tardis ASAP, so he could finish what he started. 

But…that primal side found her very, very intoxicating.   
However wrong he knew he was, the issue at hand was simple: how to reel in that lust, stemming from his primal urges. 

Trying to do that was turning into trying to reel in a shark with no bait on the hook. He had to keep reminding himself that Gallifreyan’s do NOT have primal urges. They don’t LUST over someone.   
That was such a ridiculous notion he almost laughed.   
But then again….

He was the only Gallifreyan to ever have come up against the lovely Rose Tyler. 

They probably based their research on an old, Arcadian hag who was brilliant, yes but did not want to even look at herself in the shower much less picture herself having sex with anyone. One point for the logical side of his brain.   
But….

Too hell with research and it’s ‘shouldn’t’ or ‘hell no’  
One point for primal.

The tie had had to be broken so inevitably the primal side of his brain wrestled the logical, higher one down and told it for once to just shut up.   
Just one kiss. 

Would the universe just get out of his way for once and let him have that? He really did not think that the Vortex would implode if he was granted just one tender moment of goodbye.  
“Do you think it would be FAIR if I kissed you right now, considering I am making you leave? Nope, probably not. But just to prove the point and this is the ONLY reason I am doing this mind you…...”

Taking her wrists in his hands so he could hold them down on the mattress, he moved up her body slowly, leaving small bites smoothed over with kisses on all the tempting bare flesh that the shirt did not cover.   
She moaned and squirmed, lifting her hips off the bed and pressing right into his cock which was already rock hard. 

Then he was finally face to face with her. She could feel every solid inch of him lying on top of her and she had no doubt that at least at that moment he truly desired her.   
And then, when she looked in his eyes again she saw something spark. 

Something different but no less wild and wanting hung there like a question he so needed to ask but could not give voice too. 

Because she needed him as well as he seemed to need her, she let his tongue run across the seam of her mouth wanting nothing more than to dip between her lips and be granted access inside.   
It was just a light touch, but it was enough to make him want more. 

In barely a whisper he said, “You taste so good” before he wrapped his arms and body around her, the gentle kissing turning into a deeper need, his mouth now covering hers and pressing down, kissing her with a passion she never thought he possessed.

Before she knew it, she had wrapped her arms around his back and pulled him even tighter. 

But something was not right, something nagged at the back of her brain. Here he was kissing her like she had always needed him too but in the same breath will be tossing her out and will probably never see her again.   
Rose was confused, hurt, turned on and just plain angry. So, when he had released his grip on her wrists to pull her body against his she took that opportunity to flip them over. Then, before he could react she raised her hand and slapped him hard. 

She slid back off him and ran for the bathroom, locking the door behind her.  
He sat up, blinked a few times in surprise more than pain then rubbed his cheek saying, “…guess I deserved that.” 

He knew what he wanted to do, and he knew what he should do but frankly, he was so sick of doing what he should do he almost ignored his own little voice in his head.   
She stood in the bathroom in shock and in sorrow just staring at the door she came through, not knowing what he would do next. 

Would he sonic that lock as well? For the first time in what seemed like forever she felt like she really didn’t know him. In the next room he stood there panting, the enlarged evidence of his arousal straining under his trousers.

He pulled himself together and said “Rose, I will be by the console so put your clothes back on and come out, I need to leave right away and am already late so hurry up”   
He barely made it to the heart of the ship before his façade dropped away and he fell to his knees, finally giving in to his need to break down. 

The hot tears that had been threatening to spill for the past few months were finally running down his face unbidden.   
‘I nearly raped her’, he screamed at himself. But he wouldn’t, would he? No, that wasn’t who he was. 

Then again, he was practically brand new in this body so could he be absolutely sure? His last self was volatile and unpredictable but what about now?   
He sat down on the jump seat and put his head in his hands. 

Oh, this was definitely the last straw. His trust in himself wavering,   
He could not take it anymore. Not another hour, not another minute.   
This was a fitting ending even if he did get too carried away in there. 

Maybe because of it. It was time.

As he worked feverously, trading in his worries for circuits and wires of every known color as he sat on the grating with his long legs dangling over the side and vented to his ship;  
“Rose is so naive thinking life itself is fair? We both know my life doesn’t work that way.” 

He stopped tinkering for a moment just to let her know his feelings on the matter. 

“This universe owes me so much, and we both know that I am not being smug or arrogant when I say that, it’s a fact.” he voiced to his ship.

“You would think just once I would get what I wanted. But I never do. I balance everything out for everyone else, I make it fair for others.  
Being attacked by Cybermen? No problem, the Doctor will come and save the day because it just isn’t fair to the people being invaded. 

Are Daleks being fair when they take the lives of others? Nope, which is where I come in.   
But when does someone jump in for me and make it fair for me. You have been with 10 of us now counting me and I know we all had wanted the same thing, a damn day off once and awhile.   
When do I get to just live this one life I have been given in peace?” In frustration he picked up the nearest tool and threw it across the room with all his might, smashing into one of the tall struts. 

His patient ship sent a warning screech into his head making the Doctor say “owww” and then apologize to her. 

Suddenly, and not expecting it, Roses’ voice cut through his musings.  
“That’s what I was there for Doctor. For you. I tried to even the score.   
You do that for someone you love.   
This way neither of you ever feel alone.” 

He whirled around, surprised that he did not hear her come in. Oh, he was so tired of so much, how could he not notice her?   
But he had to admit to himself that she was exactly right   
(It was his turn to try to hold back the tears one more time)

He busied himself again.   
“Doctor, can I ask you something before I leave? I think you owe me the real reason you are doing this to me. To us. You have never been like this before.” 

He stopped working, let out a sigh and told her:

“You think you had me all figured out, didn’t you Rose. You want me to say that you were right, that you and I were…what? An item?   
That we had something special? No wait, I think we were talking about love, weren’t we? 

Rose Tyler, do you have any idea how many women have occupied your ‘position’ in my life?   
How many weren’t even companions, just your proverbial one-night stands. For someone who doesn’t require much sleep, my bedroom has been a very busy place over the years.   
Many of them I liked a lot, some I didn’t like at all. In fact, come to think of it I never said that I loved you to begin with, did I? And, well that is why.” 

(He paused not sure how to continue, all he could think about, the only thing that mattered was to leave her here)  
“There is someone really special that has come into my life. Her name is Mageda, ask Jack about her and he will know who she is. 

She is amazing Rose, you would love her too, just as much as me. Wait under the circumstances maybe not. She makes me feel so good.”

Out of the corner of his eye he saw her approach him and knew what would happen next. She raised her hand up again but this time he caught her wrist mere inches from his face.

“Sorry but you only get one shot at me and you have filled your quota. Goodbye Rose.” 

(What would it matter if she knew? I mean, I have told her worse, haven’t I? Thinking hard and fast he concludes that he hadn’t. This is a deal breaker. This must be the end.)   
She turned then and walked towards the door still somehow thinking that he will stop her and say, ‘no Rose, please don’t leave.’   
She pressed her palm against the old wood asking the Tardis for something, anything to help her through this. Her tears stained the old door and that stain, the Tardis promised would never go away. 

(He watched her and envisioned himself touching that spot often. Possibly to punish himself as he remembers how it got there.   
Maybe if he is lucky; very, very lucky he will be able to smile as he caresses it thinking that she must be happy by now, must be over him by now.   
Just a wonderful girl who had some wonderful memories who is now living one domestic life with a man who makes her smile every day.   
Someone who makes her feel like she is the most beautiful and special, unique and loved woman in the whole universe. He will tell her these things because they are true.   
He will be a man who will put her on a pedestal because she belongs there. A man that should have been him.) 

The door creaked open of its own accord but still she waited.

“Rose I am trying very hard here to get a point across but unless I am speaking in some language the Tardis can’t translate you are just not getting it”   
“So, let me put it to you bluntly,” 

“Get the hell out of my Tardis”


	5. The Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor enlists an old friend to deliver something special to Rose and Jackie

Chapter 5 ~ The Gift

I don't wanna be down and  
I just wanna feel alive and  
Get to see your face again  
But 'til then  
Just my echo, my shadow  
You're my only friend and I'm

I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name  
Like a fool at the top of my lungs  
Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright  
But it's never enough

“Echo” by Jason Walker

She hated him. She heard the Tardis dematerialize making her pause but she never looked back. Suddenly her mum appeared running towards her.  
“Oh, sweetheart you gave me a scare. I heard the Tardis leaving and thought you were going without saying goodbye…. why are you crying?”   
Rose ran straight into Jackie’s arms nearly knocking her down

“Mum, I hate him so much. He wants nothing to do with me anymore. Says he met someone else. Kicked me off the Tardis and now he is gone.”   
“No…I just can’t believe that. He loves you, it is so obvious. There must be another reason that we just aren’t seeing.”

As they climbed the stairs to the flat, Rose could see all her belongings in bags sitting outside of it.

“That is all my stuff mum. He must have put it all there this afternoon”  
“I thought it was just a lot of laundry. Oh, sweetheart I am telling you there is something missing here. We are not seeing the whole picture.”  
Jackie held her, soothed her the best she knew how but also knew that nothing would ever take that pain away. Rose was in too deep, had too much of her heart invested in that damn man and his blue box to ever be soothed. 

So, when she cried for 4 days straight, morning and night Jackie understood. Did not eat and barely slept, nightmares stealing her away to somewhere else making her cry even harder as she tossed and turned, calling for him because he always made it better.

Then one day the doorbell rang, and Jackie opened it to find a familiar face standing there smiling at her. Instead of letting him in she went outside because Rose was finally napping, and she didn’t want to wake her. He saw the mask of pain under her usual happy face.

“What’s up Jacks? Long time no see” a huge grin lighting up his face. 

“Jack, the Doctor dumped her…. dumped our Rose for someone else” It was Jackie’s turn to be comforted as she flew into Jacks arms and finally got to let it go. She was hurting almost as much as Rose but had no one to vent to. 

“If I ever see him again so help me I will chop off his great Time Lord penis”   
Even Jack recoiled at the image. The Captain stood there shaking his head and blinking a few times like he was trying to absorb what she said. It didn’t make any sense. The Doctor himself had asked him to be here today. Why?

“Jackie, I can’t believe that he would do that to her. He loves Rose”  
“Did he ever tell you that Jack or are you just assuming?”  
“Well you have seen how they would look at each other and…”  
“No Jack, not good enough. He TOLD her he didn’t love her right to her face.”

Jack just kept shaking his head, he just couldn’t believe it. 

“What have you got there?” Jackie asked him, seeing that he had a wrapped package the size of a small shirt box in his hand.  
“Oh sorry,” Jack said, handing it over “I am not sure exactly. I got it in the mail and when I opened it up there was this other package addressed to Rose inside.”   
“I wonder who Dr. John Smith is?” Jackie said, shaking it and turning it over.

Jack put on a tentative smile, he didn’t even put two and two together until now. 

“Umm Jackie, the Doctor uses the name John Smith when he needs to go ‘under cover’ so to speak here on Earth.”  
Before Jack could stop her, she had ripped the package open. 

“I am not going to risk giving another ‘I don’t love you’ letter to Rose”   
Inside the one box there were another two very ornate smaller ones and an envelope, also addressed to Rose. There was a tag on each, one for Rose and one for Jackie herself. As curious as she was she opted to just leave them on Roses night table instead. 

Jackie offered Jack a cup of tea to which he gratefully accepted. Truth be told he did not want to leave until Rose got up and saw the package. He could not believe that the Time Lord, someone he considered to be his friend (most of the time) and probably the most honest person he knew doing that to Rose. He loved Rose. He could feel it every time the two them were in the same room and you would have to be blind not to see it as well. Jack had been around a very (very!) long time, enough to know love and attraction when he saw it and no other couple could hold a candle to them.

It was about an hour later that Rose opened her eyes and yawned. The afternoon had come and gone, and she really didn’t care. It was just another day without him she thought to herself as she reached over to turn her small lamp on. Her fingers brushed against the ribbon of a box that lay on the table along with a thick envelope address to her. Sitting up she grabbed the package and envelope and took both out to ask her mum about them. She was met with a bear hug by her favorite Time Agent, Capt. Jack Harkness. She squealed in delight as he spun her around to face him, his bright smile a wonderful balm to her misery. 

“How are you doing Rosie?” the smile could not hide his concern as he took in her red eyes with the deep circles under them.   
“I told him what he did, that coward” Jackie said it with venom in her voice. 

Rose just fell into his arms and let herself be hugged by and comforted by her old friend.   
“Did you just get here?” she managed to ask.  
“No, but your mom has been entertaining me with penis removal ideas and how to slap a Time Lord, version one. Just hoping there are no demonstrations needed to pass either course!” He smiled, and she gave him a tiny grin back.

“Oh honey,” her mom said, “I see you found the packages for you that Jack brought”  
She was confused, “So you got these in the mail, but they were supposed to go to me?”  
“Yep, but check out the return address”  
Rose immediately knew who it was from.   
“Just burn it or toss it in the trash” she said, tears beginning to fill her eyes once again. “It is probably just something I left on the Tardis that he was sending back to me.” “Then why send it to me first?” Jack pointed out. 

With a sigh she opened it up if for no other reason than to confirm her suspicions. It was wrapped so beautifully she did not want to rip it so took to carefully unfolding it instead. On the contrary the one for Jackie came off in pieces, she was that anxious to see what it was. They both gasped when they saw what was inside. Two of the most gorgeous and unique necklaces, almost identical lay side by side in the box. No note was attached to either, just a letter. With shaking hands, she folded it and began reading it out loud….


	6. Chapter 6

Interlude 1 

~ Letter to My Love ~

“I will be brave  
I will not let anything take away  
What's standing in front of me  
Every breath  
Every hour has come to this  
One step closer  
I have died everyday waiting for you  
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you  
For a thousand years  
I'll love you for a thousand more”  
“A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri

My dearest Rose,

I am standing at the monitor watching you walk away. You will never understand how much I want to throw open that door and run after you. I can’t though because this is one mission I must do alone and knowing your devotion to me, you would have demanded to come along.  
You need to listen to me and really hear me, I could not risk your life on what is the closest to a suicide mission as I have ever attempted to complete. I can see your heart breaking. I can feel it too. All because of me. The one who promised you always and kept your heart safe has stomped all over it.  
I hope that someday you will forgive me.

You will have a glorious life I just know it. You will find someone, marry (I can hear your mom now ‘he’s not an alien, right?’) and have lots of kids. That is why I am doing this Rose, I have to save the children on Atash and who knows from what other planets, by the ones who are stealing them in the night like the cowards that they are. No one else can do it Rose. There is only me standing between child slave labor and all these children’s freedom.

This is being perpetrated by the government of Sandsee, so this is where I am headed.  
Rose stopped when she heard Jack gasp.

“Wait, give me that a second” Jack took the letter from her and scanned to check that the name of the planet was indeed what he thought he heard.  
“Sandsee??? He mumbled to himself….

The normally good natured and positive Captain became more agitated then they had ever seen him before. He leaned forward putting his elbows on the table and his face in his hands then grabbed the letter again as if seeing it more than once would change the reality of the situation. He stood up and began to pace running his hands through his hair. Only then did they notice the moisture that threatened to spill from his eyes.

“Please not Sandsee” he whispered, a feeling of helplessness moving over his handsome features.  
“Why didn’t he ask for my help?” he kept saying more to himself than to anyone else.  
“Idiot. Stupid, hard-headed Time Lord FOOL!” he muttered angrily, right before his fist punched the wall.

“Jack? What is it? What is so special about Sandsee?” Rose was following him with her eyes and then recoiled when he hit the wall again even harder the second time.  
“NO ONE CAN GET PAST THEIR DEFENSES AND GET TO THEIR TERMINALS TO DO WHAT HE IS THERE TO DO, I DON’T CARE WHAT HE ‘THINKS’ HE CAN DO! HE WOULD NEED AN ARMY OF HIS OWN”  
He was yelling now, as if the Doctor could hear him. He paused to take a breath,  
“I CAN’T EVEN GET IN TO HELP HIM, THERE DEFENSES ARE THAT STRONG!!”

He stopped as if all the pieces suddenly fell into place.  
“That is why they are stealing kids! They lost so many soldiers in the war that they are trying to rebuild as quick as possible!”  
“Jack, so what you are saying is that they are stealing the children from other planets and training them to be soldiers in their new army?” Rose could not believe what she was hearing.  
“Well ‘training’ in the conventional sense, no. Training by threats against their families, no food or water, torturing them until they comply, THAT kind of training.” Jack told them. “No wonder he is involved, this can’t go on. Someone has to stop it. I mean these are just little kids, Rose”

Then Jack closed his eyes and slumped back in his chair. The full impact of what will be done to his friend, quickly becoming a terrifying reality.  
He said a bit more calmly but with no less intensity,  
“And the cherry on top is when the ones in power on that God-forsaken planet find out there is a Time Lord in their midst. They will not stop until they catch him. Their planet was a casualty of the Time War, having fought on the side of the Daleks and lost.”  
A sense of despondency came over him.  
“And when they do catch him they will torture him until he is forced to regenerate, and they will keep at it until all his lives have been burnt away, used up until there are none left….and, and then……” he trailed off, realizing that he had already gone too far.

“And then what Jack?” He didn’t answer, just stared at the floor, lost in his own private torture. Jackie reached across the table and took his hand.  
He looked up and, for a moment she thought he wouldn’t answer but then simply stated,  
“Then the next time they take his life he will really die for good.”

He heard Rose begin to cry and that shook him back to the present. He apologized to her, hanging his head and motioning for her to continue. How could she though, after Jack revealed what would probably be done to the man she adored if he is captured.  
Her mom squeezed her hand, “Go on luv, he wrote it so that you would read it, not discard it. Picking up the paper again with shaking hands, she read on….  
I have contemplated not sending my journals from my experiences while I am away. There will be nothing relaxing like the romance novels your mum reads

Hi Jackie!!  
I will have to check to see if I can get a telepathic courier to send them to you.  
Ok it is settled, I will be sending you my journals after all. This is how it will go; I will transmit my journal via telepathy to the courier and then he will contact you and (if you agree) he will show them to you via telepathy. So, when you are approached by a devastatingly handsome dark haired, blue eyed stranger and he says he has a message from a mutual friend, you can trust him.

Enclosed with this letter you will find two necklaces, one for you and one for your mum. The blue star is called Trillium and comes from the planet of the same name and the others are called Amesee which can only be found on the 3rd moon of Latuche. They have to dive to tremendous depths to retrieve it and that can only be harvested once, maybe twice a year if they are lucky. Both types of stones are extremely rare.  
Now the Trillium is a bit different in that it is harder than a diamond and the actual location on the planet where it is found is still to this day shrouded in mystery. What Trillium there is washes up on the shores of Baskath, it’s capital city.

But they have never found its original source. Amazing, right? I had the dealer carve the stone into a star so that when I am not with you, you can touch it and feel the love I have for you. I do you know, love you so much. As special as both are, yours was made to be able to carry my story. Let’s just say I have friends in high places who could construct the beads to certain specifications. What you need to do is take the necklace I got for you which is the one with the larger bead covering the clasp and twist the first Amesee bead in order starting from left to the right with the star facing you. You will see a hologram of me telling you the story of the children of Atash and how I got involved. Also, a little bit of back story about why I had to leave you behind. Then there’s info about my childhood at the Academy which explains a lot too.

Ok here we go, big reveal here: I love you. I adore you. I know over 1000 languages and still would be hard pressed to use any of them to describe how I feel about you. So much Rose. I have seen sunrises and sunsets that have taken my breath away, seen universes being born, so many things that have brought me to tears, but I have never seen anything as beautiful as you. You are the star I follow, and I would gladly lay down this life and all my future ones to keep you safe. (he sat forward in the chair, his elbows on his knees staring right into her soul) That is why you are not with me and why I did what I did and said what I said. I am still so shocked and embarrassed at how I acted that night as far as kissing you is concerned. I did some real soul searching after you left and knew that when I kissed you I did so out of desperation because Rose, it may be awhile before I get to see you again.  
(She can hear his voice cracking and his eyes are red from crying)

I HAD to kiss you. It was more than just a physical need even though we both know that was there, it was an emotional one as well. Please, please remember that everything I told you that night about my bedroom being busy etc. was a complete and utter lie. I had to have you leave hating me, so you would not want to come. I hope you haven’t ripped up all my pictures. I am carrying all of yours up here (points to head) because paper fades and can get lost. I carry your mum as well this way (but don’t tell her.) I can just imagine how she reacted when you came back to the flat after I kicked you out. She would have slapped me through 2 regenerations if she ever got hold of me!

Share this story with her because you will need a hand to hold and hers will fit yours the best. The holograms about Atash and about the Academy will only play once and then they will close and seal tight. You don’t need to have those around to look at. I know that I would not be able to move on with my life if I could see you speaking to me every day.  
Jack, you have been an incredible friend through 2 lives now and I owe you the deepest apology and the greatest thanks one person can give to another for how I acted and how you still forgave me. My last self left you behind. I wouldn’t.

I need you to take care of Rose for me. My last wish, ok? Just make sure whoever she ends up with treats her right. No repeats of Jimmy. Protect her and keep her safe. She deserves the stars and if I am not there to show them to her make sure that the one she finds her forever with can give them to her instead. Tell her every day how special and important she is. And how, for one Time Lord she was the only universe that mattered. She was his everything.

Rose suddenly freezes, unable to go on so Jackie takes over.

Finally, if it comes down to it I do NOT want anyone to mourn me. Please, please, please don’t. I don’t know how long this may take me; maybe Jack could find out eventually using some of his connections.  
Rose, no matter how much I have to fight, I will try to come home to you. This is something that I have to see through to the end though my love. It is possible I might regenerate so I may not have this glorious hair (or so you have told me) but with the same heart and soul. I swear it, there is no one else that I have ever loved or could ever love more than you. What is that Earth term? You complete me. You do.

Something else I will admit to only you: I am afraid.  
Afraid of oh so many things right now I can’t keep track. Like….

Are you reading this, or did you just ball it up and toss it before you got to hear how much I love you?  
Will I be able to stop the stealing of the children for slave labor?  
Can I survive long enough to do that without being captured?  
What will happen if I do get captured before destroying their systems?  
And most importantly, do you love me too?

I can feel my rage building the closer I get to Sandsee. It is like a living thing, Rose. But I can’t afford to get sloppy and make any mistakes. To many lives depend on me to do this right. Once my old training kicks in I get kind of hyper-focused.

I know you will never believe this, but I can be a very dangerous man. I have been trained as a warrior and an assassin. Lovely combination, I know. Big difference between them; the Warrior rages into battle while the Assassin sits back and plots it all out. I don’t like either part of me but like an old well-worn glove I have been trained to slip into both with ease. It was easier when I was in my 9th body; right out of the war and battle ready. It’s not a part of me that I am proud of, but it is the part of me that may just help me survive and get the job done.

Oh, I also need to tell you that if I am in a place where the Tardis and I cannot communicate or if I don't make it she will come to you because she loves you almost as much as I do. She will have a perception filter around her, so no one will notice her except you. Rose, I am sorry, but you will not be able to open her. You don’t need to be able to wander her empty halls. That is why I had to take the key back.  
(Rose gasps and reaches for it around her neck. It is gone.)

Ghosts Rose, just echoes of the past. You have them all tucked away in that gorgeous mind of yours Rose. That has to be enough. Maybe, once and awhile just go out and talk to her and let her know that she is loved. And tell her I am sorry too.

I will remember the way your loving arms would wrap around me and hopefully it will help give me some extra strength. I’ll need it. I have to figure out a way to tear down the Slave Trade Central Dispatch area first before and if I get captured. If that can be done, then no more kids will go missing from this sector of the galaxy. If that is the outcome than what I came to do will be a success and possibly the end of my story. So be it.  
(He contemplates the reality of this, the true possibility of this and sits quiet for a few moments. For the first time he feels a sense of peace and freedom with whatever life throws his way. Accepting whatever happens as being what is supposed to happen, knowing he did his best. Rose loves him, he can feel it and he loves her. What more could he ever ask for? He looks back up and continues…)

I am talking to you this way because I don’t want to give you any false hope. Please Rose if worse comes to worst please remember that it was for the best of causes, the right reasons. Would you have wanted or expected anything less from me?

By the way, will you marry me when I get back to you?  
I love you. Never ever forget that.

Your Doctor  
Rose took it back from her mum neatly folded the letter and placed it under the jewelry box. That was the last thing she remembered before her world went black.

She woke in a haze of voices....  
Her mum and Jack were calling her name. She opened her eyes to see two pairs of concerned ones smiling down at her.  
"What happened?"  
"You fainted honey" her mum said quietly  
"But why......" She suddenly remembered and tried to get up, but she became dizzy again so she put her head back down.  
She turned to Jack with a look of desperation.

“Jack, there has to be something I can do? I can’t just leave him there, alone and scared. He needs me Jack, please!”  
As gently as he could he took her by the shoulders and then stared into her eyes. He didn’t have to say anything; she could read his face like an open book, but she needed to hear it nevertheless.  
“Rosie” he sighed “this time there is nothing we can do. If I thought I even had the slimmest of chances don’t you think I would be there already? The army of Sandsee is brutal Rose, you need to know this. A lot of them are stolen kids, yeah I know but the army that is already in place are the ones I am talking about. They are NOT going to treat him like a king because that is so beyond realistic. Again, having a Time Lord in their grasp is going to equal rage from those who took the Dalek's side. They are going to demand justice. They are going to try to beat him down because that is what they do. What he has going for him is he is a stubborn old bastard who is really tough as nails.”

Rose couldn’t help but hang her head, there was so much going against him she was quickly losing any hope she had that he would survive.  
“Let me ask you this,” Jack looked her in the eye, “you thought your first Doctor had that in spades, don’t you…I mean being tough and all that because he was gruffer and wore leather?”  
Rose nodded through her tears.  
“…and because this one is all wiry with a devastating smile and gorgeous brown eyes…

”He is mine Jack” Rose smiled. It felt so good to say that.  
“Anyway this one, your present Doctor is 100 times more tough, smart and downright cunning than blue eyes was” 

“Like your Doctor said about warriors versus assassins, blue eyes tended towards the warrior side. He would run into battle with all guns blazing, while this new Doctor is….well….more. Has he ever mentioned his training at the academy?”

She thought for a moment and, although he spoke of the war he never did mention his training.  
“Well it was the 8th Doctor who was there and did the work. You have some necklace that has holograms in it and some will speak to his training, right? She nodded. “Make sure you watch them. If you want to understand him, especially the new him you need to watch those. OK? I am sure there is stuff that he never will share with anyone, except you of course but what he has told me frightens me and gives me hope at the same time. Like I said, he is more than just a warrior Rose but just watch the holograms and let him explain.”

“Bottom line is you need to be proud of him. He is doing what he has to do. It isn’t a choice for him. He knows Sandsee's history and their particular disdain for Time Lords. But he HAS to fix this even if it costs him his life or worse, his sanity.”  
Jack stopped to catch his breath before continuing. He wanted to make sure that Rose understood.  
“You have to remember that he loves you and that is the reason you are not with him now. It is because he cares for you so deeply that he has to make this better. Rose, don’t you see – you really did make him a better man.”  
She broke down, couldn’t stand up, wanted to be by his side. She felt like she needed to act, needed to do something to help him.

“Damn him, I would have died with him if it came down to it.” Rose said through her tears.  
“And that is exactly why you are here, and he is there.” Jack raised his voice just enough, he hoped to make her understand his sacrifice. He needed her to understand why he left her behind,  
“What he is undertaking needs his ultimate focus, just like he said and how can he give all of himself over to doing what needs to be done if he has to worry about you too? Because believe me if I know him and you were in trouble he would always save you first. He can’t do this Rose. He has a better chance now than if you were there too.”  
Rose nodded through her tears.

A memory stirred inside her head. Oh, it seems so long ago. Unbidden, the image broke through in a glorious outburst of pride and love….  
…. She stood off to the side, watching him. This him standing in front of the mightiest army on Thesus 3, his coat billowing behind him, powerful and unbreakable, this off-worlder commanding the legion of troops numbering in the thousands who had been at war with each other for so long that the reason for it was lost to the ages. He alone made them one militia with just his words and his bravery. Demanding respect with his actions.  
Leading them not to victory but to peace with nothing more than his voice and his reputation. Doing the impossible.  
Doing the right thing even at the risk of losing his own life.  
This was her Doctor.  
The man who makes the tough choices but all for the greater good.  
The protector of worlds, the champion of the oppressed  
And, most importantly the man she loves.  
And the man who loves her too.  
Maybe he can win this one. Maybe not. Either way she will be proud of him and never, ever, ever forget the lessons he taught her.

More to follow....


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interlude 2 ~ The Academy Story aka Gallifreyan History 101

Interlude 2 ~ The Academy Story aka Gallifreyan History 101

 

Falken: Did you ever play tic-tac-toe?  
Jennifer: Yeah, of course.  
Falken: But you don't anymore.  
Jennifer: No.  
Falken: Why?  
Jennifer: Because it's a boring game. It's always a tie.  
Falken: Exactly. There's no way to win. The game itself is pointless! But back at the war room, they believe you can win a nuclear war. That there can be "acceptable losses."  
"A strange game. The only winning move is not to play"- Joshua (the War Computer after trying to win at tic-tac-toe and Global Thermonuclear War)  
“War Games” Movie 

“Because it's always the same. When you fire that first shot, no matter how right you feel, you have no idea who's going to die! You don't know whose children are going to scream and burn! How many hearts will be broken! How many lives shattered! How much blood will spill until everybody does until what they were always going to have to do from the very beginning.  
Sit down and talk!”  
Direct excerpt from “The Ways of Warfare”

Rose took off her necklace and following his instructions, turned the first bead. 

And there he was, looking right at her from the jump seat, dressed in his tux, tie undone and the first few buttons of his shirt open. She remembered when they had gone to a ball given in their honor. They had saved the princess from certain death at the hands of the planets gentle Rulers’ own brother. She had gone to bed early, so he must have stayed up to record this for her. She sat in her kitchen with her mum and Jack and listened.

“Before I get to far please tell Jack I said thanks for bringing this to you. It’s ok if he is there to hear this but please just make it you, your mum and Jack, no one else. This stuff is about Gallifrey and what it was like to go to the Academy there. Even though it is gone, it is no one’s business other than you three. Ok enough of that.

Hello my love. If you are watching this, then you have both the patience of a saint and a real desire to learn about how I grew up. Who and what I really am. Well here goes…. 

I was an extremely bright but equally lonely student of genius level who bored very easily and hated going to the Academy. One night I broke into the Great Hall of Knowledge and found a dusty old book in the catacombs that called out to me via telepathy. It was entitled “The Ways of Warfare” written in, of course, old Gallifryean. This proved a problem as I only spoke ‘High’ Gallifryean. But instead of giving up I got a book to help translate it.

It was slow going at first but being as determined as I was it got a lot easier day by day. The first chapter started out innocent enough 'instructing the reader on how to have any blank piece of paper reflect a thought.' I dubbed it ‘Psychic Paper’ (yep, that was me) and used the trick to steal what would eventually become my Tardis, for a quick ride into the Vortex and back. Most of the first half of the book taught me simple things: how to create a perception filter, how to build a sonic screwdriver etc.  
(he began to pace around the room, nervous energy forcing him to move)

The second half of the book was entirely different. It began with a whole chapter dedicated to abstinence from anything that would take the Warrior off his path. Sexual contact was thought to have been too much of a distraction for the true warrior and was absolutely forbidden. (footnote here: Just wanted to let you know I do not subscribe to that way of thinking. In other words when I get back I am going to set a record for removing your clothing. Maybe one for multiple orgasms of the loved one. Probably never mentioned that I do not have any ‘refractory period’ between orgasms. Superior Time Lord biology due to the double amount of blood flow; double the hearts, double the fun! Please don’t tell me your mum is listening. I am so slapped (again)

(Jack laughed so hard he nearly fell off his chair because Jackie had her head in her hands)

Back to the book…there is in depth information on regeneration and what to expect during the process. It told that the greater the mind the more regenerations were granted with 13 being the most allowed. There were Tardis schematics and blueprints to absorb as well.

He stopped pacing and sat back down. He leaned forward and looked her in the eye.  
“Ok now this is where it gets tough. Seriously this is a big secret that if widely known would take out the element of surprise.  
(He looked up at the ceiling then closed his eyes as if remembering all the things he might not want to and then continued)  
I was more than just a mindless soldier on the frontline in the war to end all wars……”  
He paused and looked away.  
My true designation was Assassin. Shocker there huh? I wanted to get the extra regenerations. So I learned about it, studied it, excelled in it even but never thought I would use the knowledge taught. But I was so wrong.

There were lessons that only the smartest and strongest both in spirit and body should be taught, their words not mine. It elevated the Warrior to Assassin level but was NOT for initiates meaning me, at the time. But since when do I ever listen (so, I was already doomed to burn in a hell I don’t believe in for that one). Anyway, what I read there helped me to become the “one to fear across all of time and space.”

There were only 3 out of a class of 1120 that were given that designation and I was the youngest at 20.) There were these really intense sections on hand to hand combat, stealth and tracking and using the foe’s own momentum against himself. I was taught how to win a battle against one’s opponent using nothing more than the power of thought. I could inflict permanent and irreversible damage and even death if the situation warranted using just a touch of my hand to the temple of another.  
(He pauses to look at his hand; turns it around and then places it back into his lap)

The caveat was that normal telepathy was only used with the express consent of the other individual. In battle no consent was expected so therefore it is left up to the Assassin as to whether it should be used or not.

The last lesson was called ‘Creating a Static Bubble’ which was loosely defined as being able to hold a pocket of ‘ghost time’ around someone. It was literally the ability to slow down time inside of a small space until the Assassin that created it released it himself. If I chose to I could leave the person in the bubble forever, never letting the victim catch up in time to those around him. Nasty one, that. This would take a massive amount of constant concentration and was only recommended to be used against a single adversary. 

Conversely, the Assassin could take the life of the person while in the bubble although that was considered the cowards way to defeat an enemy. With a Static Bubble, the biggest hurdle to cross with implementing it was that it took 2-3 minutes of intense concentration to bend time to the will although I can usually do it quicker. It went on to say that after such an act was completed, the individual should rest in quiet contemplation for no less than 3 rotations of the sun’s before rejoining combat. Yeah, right, sure.

 

Anyway, I took the book home and spent every waking hour studying it and practicing the lessons. So, by the time the graduation from the Academy came around I took the tests to receive the designation of Assassin. And being the amazing person that I am I was granted said designation, even though I did garner the knowledge by circumventing the rules when I stole the book. They (THEY being the High Council) could not deny what they called my formidable talent in the area. In many ways, I think they feared me. I never knew that I would be called to the front lines of the great Time War because I wore that title so well. Not wanting to fight I took those skills, stole a Tardis and ran away only to return when I realized that no one else had the knowledge or the mental stamina to end it all. I watched as Gallifrey burned and counted my own heartbeats while cursing each one of them. The only thing it proved to me was that the universe was not FAIR (there’s that word again.) It let me survive while those much better than myself screamed with their last breath.

(Everyone at the table sat in silence, finding out for the first time the burden that he carried daily.)

About my 9th self. (going to say ‘him’ instead of ‘me’ to separate our lives)  
On its own, just being the last Time Lord was intimidating enough. But being the one who was the most damaged by it made my 9th incarnation doubly as unstable. Remember, he had just come out of the war and was emotionally and mentally scarred. He could turn on a dime and go from congenial to dangerous, laughing one minute and pinning you down with his laser blue eyes. But having fought on the front lines of the Time War should have (and did) grant him a wide berth wherever he went. Most wanted to thank him, a few wanted to challenge him and some, like the people of Earth who knew nothing of the Time War threw the dice depending on who stood before him.

I made an effort in this new body to try to not see myself as the Oncoming Storm. That was the burden of my 9th self.  
Ok well that should have taken up quite a few of the Amesee stones. They should have locked by now. Ok, open up the next bead. This is what took me so long to return to you from my last trip. It is the story of the children Akash”


	8. Chapter 8

Interlude 3 ~ The Missing Children of Akash

A warning to the people  
The good and the evil  
This is war  
To the soldier, the civilian  
The martyr, the victim  
This is war  
“This is War” by Thirty Seconds to Mars

Akash is a planet that is normally a quiet place filled with very nice people. They have a lively market filled with just about anything you could possibly want. That is where I got your necklaces, by the way. If you know people who know people they can get you anything. Like I said earlier those gems are really hard to come by and very, very rare. But so are you and your mum. Perfect present! Should have been a nice stop over if it wasn’t for one thing: the children, boys and girls alike were going missing. No one mentioned it to me because no one knew who I was but I could feel the sadness which hung over the place. I sat on a bench in one of their many idyllic parks, just soaking up the breeze and the smell of apple grass (remember Rose? Apple grass!) when it hit me that there should be kids playing here. I mean, it was a beautiful afternoon with a great kid’s area but only 2 kids playing. Their mom and dad were on a bench next to me watching them like a hawk. I introduced myself as good old John Smith and commented on how adorable their kids were. They were friendly enough, but they wouldn’t look at me. Just kept watching the children. I said I was not from Akash and noticed that there were not any kids playing other than those 2. That is when I got the story and decided to get involved. I made a promise to all the parents that they did not have to worry about losing their children ever again. I would deal with it.  
Well the reason came soon enough after I had made a wrong turn and ended up in an alley. It took a sharp bend and was therefore out of sight of the main square. I thought I heard something, so I followed it till I got the end. Standing there was a little boy no more than 10 crying. I crouched down to his level and said hello and asked him where his mom or dad were. He said he did not know. He ran down there because “the bad people were following him”

Before I could get him to clarify I sensed someone creeping up behind me. So I turned and came face to face with a group of five tall, well-muscled men whom I recognized as being traders from the planet Sandsee. They immediately assumed an attack position that I was very familiar with.

And they all carried shock/pain sticks used to subdue their victim.   
Yep, definitely Sandsee

After making sure the little boy stayed behind me in the shadows I put on my most polite face and said, “Oh hello there.” And then I asked them why they seemed to be following the little boy.   
No answer, not that I was expecting one.   
They took another step towards me while ratchetting up the strength on their sticks to compensate for my size.   
Then I said something like, “Oh I see, you were going to hurt him….well sorry, not gonna happen” all the while shifting slightly to my left, watching how the men did the same.   
“Then they demanded I give up the child to which I replied, “Or what?” I just stood there with my arms crossed in front of me waiting.

While all this is going on I was shifting into Assassin mode, putting pieces together, making no defensive or offensive movements while acting very relaxed. All the time however my brain was automatically pulling up the correct maneuvers for that scenario, processing everything I saw, heard and felt and doing so at lightning speed. Only took a second or two really. Then all that was left was for them to make the first move.

When they did, it was textbook.

The leader of the bunch jabbed his stick at the me where he ‘thought’ I would be if I continued moving left. I could see him tense up, getting ready to strike.  
When I saw that I stopped moving left.  
I grabbed the stick and yanked it out of his hands twisting it as I did thereby shocking the next one in line while slamming the thicker end of it into the skull of its original owner, knocking him out cold. The rest were just a matter of good old jousting. Before the dust cleared, they were all on the ground, some bleeding, others electrocuted. I had taken the little boy into my arms trying to shield his eyes from the carnage around us, stepping over the men like their lives were meaningless.

It had been 6 minutes and 2 seconds later when we walked out of the alley.  
More blood on my hands but a grateful mother reunited with her little boy had made it (almost) alright. 

I can’t help but wonder, Rose what do you think of me now. That I can just leave the wounded behind, uncaring and unfeeling. I hope you don’t judge me too harshly. This little boy meant more than those 5 thugs. Remember, my love, that the moment I saw them and knew what they were there for I had no choice but to take off my Doctor hat until I walked out of that alley. 

I am so very scared of losing you. I am not un-feeling, I am not a monster. Rose please, I AM NOT A MONSTER. You know me Rose, you know my heart. I get so confused by it all sometimes. 

These men were not just hanging around the market saying ‘hmmm, he looks like a good kid to take.’ Traders and militia work for one of the most corrupt governments in the known universe on the planet Sandsee. 

Seriously, there are not many on that planet that would invite you in for a hot meal or stop to give you directions. Most of them are very poor and have no idea what is going on with their government at all. Sandsee was part of the Time War but true to their nature took the side of the Daleks who they thought would protect them the best. The Daleks protect the Daleks and that is all. 

Somehow, they were convinced to send their own teenaged children into the war while their planet became merely a refueling station for the Dalek ships. 

The eco system collapsed with almost all of the children gone to early graves. They had no resources to fall back on having their planet torched by the Daleks and not the Time Lords. But you could never convince them that they picked the wrong horse, so to speak. 

In truth the Time Lords did try to help them by providing food and clothing to the poorest, but they are such stubborn people they refused to take it. In my book there is a difference between pride and stubbornness and they had and still have a wealth of both.

So anyway, as far as taking out these evil creatures of Sandsee it does gets worse.  
I found the slave ship located in a very deserted area of the planet and climbed aboard through the main entrance.

The first trader I came across lunged at me but was taken down with ease.   
The second man to stand in my way ended up with my fingers pressed against his temple. I tore through his mind to find the correct position of the holding cells.   
I needed to know what was where on the vessel, so I spoke to him out loud and said something like….  
“show me the layout of the ship and where the cells are located, and I promise to only break one arm instead of two….”

I am sorry Rose. True to my word I cracked the bone on the man’s right arm before heading for the lockups. I can still hear his screams of pain as the sound faded behind me.   
Rose please don’t think I don’t value their lives because I do.

I value all life but sometimes I have to weigh those lives against my own inner sense of right and wrong. That is what happened in the alley and what was happening there.

All the men who crossed my path as I made my way to the cell blocks were tossed aside like dolls. I was setting up static bubbles all around me and just leaving them there. I think I mentioned it before that it takes a lot of mental stamina to hold even one bubble around somebody, well I had energy to spare because of rage. It is a powerful emotion obviously, that made it a fairly simple task to hold 10 in place without thinking too much about it. Anyway, as the word spread of the stranger headed for the children most hid behind anything they could find so as not to suffer the fate of their comrades. They valued their lives more than the cargo they carried much to my disgust.

(He stopped suddenly, and Rose could tell he was trying to compose himself. He pulled a few haggard breaths and continued but his voice was hitched and breaking. Rose, at that moment wanted to hold him more than she ever did before)

What I found was horrific. If you could only see what I saw I think you would have agreed with my actions. I still close my eyes and see those kids in those cells. The children were locked in dirty, rusty little boxes with bars at the bottom of the ship (too small to call cells in my book.) I walked down the long rows between the captives, stopping every so often to peer inside. There were children chained to the walls who had already perished from disease or lack of food and water. Others looked like they weren’t far behind. It was freezing down there so many of them were lying wrapped around each other to try to keep warm. I don’t think I will ever be free of the memory. I doubt any of you could even begin to imagine the horror’s I saw. Most of them were too weak to even get off of the floor while the ones that could were reaching out to me through the bars begging for scraps of food or something to drink. I could not and cannot let that go on.

It reminded me of the orphans on Gallifrey that I would pass on my way to the academy, their hands outstretched for just a piece of bread or something cool to drink. I used to hand out the food that I brought with me for my own mid-day meal, making sure to give to someone different every day. Then my parents found out from the High Counsel no less that their son, the prodigy was lowering himself by feeding the “mongrels.” For bringing such public shame to my house I was not fed at all for a week and was beaten within an inch of my life daily by my other classmates for the same amount of time.   
But you know what? I never flinched or asked to stay home during all of this. I did, however balk at having to stand in front of the High Counsel to apologize for my transgressions.

So, I didn’t.

The next week was worse as I was made to not only endure the beatings but made to beg in the streets like the lost ones I had shown pity on. I finally was forced to my knees and had to beg forgiveness from the High Counsel so that honor was returned to my family.  
All of this taught me one thing: that MOST people in power are usually corrupt and heartless and I wanted nothing to do with what I saw as not one but TWO evil regimes’.  
So yeah, you see this is personal. This hit home. BUT even if I did not have the experiences I had with poverty from my youth it would not change what I saw or what I need to do.

So, when I reached the end of the row of cells I took out my screwdriver, then aimed it at the box that contained the switch to release all prisoners. Children who looked to be between 8 and 12 came streaming out of their dirty cells, malnourished and crying. They all ran to me as if I was the only adult they had seen in a while I guessed. Some of them were calling me ‘Lemia’ which is loosely translated as angel. I think it was because of the way my coat billowed out. Or maybe because I released them. The beauty of it was that it really didn’t matter, they were free!

As each little hand clutched at my coat and others raised their arms up to me to pick them up my anger grew to an almost uncontrollable level. I made sure to stop in each cell that contained a child checking on any life signs. A few were on the brink of death but still breathing so I let them loose and carried the ones I could out of the ship. When I was heading back out I passed the people whom I had put into the bubbles and did something I didn’t know was possible. I raised my hand towards each person locked in the one and gave them powerful mental pushes. It was like throwing a ball, each one hit the wall HARD, bursting the bubbles and knocking each one out cold. From there I left without incident, corralling 34 of the children to their respective homes and into the welcoming arms of their worried parents. They offered to pay me for my efforts while others not as well off wanted to feed a meal to me in gratitude. 

Reflecting again on my past, I found myself reaching into my pockets and giving them the equivalent of half a year’s wages.   
Every family. No exceptions.

I made another trip back to the ship to get the very sick children out and back to the Tardis to try to save the ones I could. There were 8 in all. I was able to save 5 of them but the other three were too far gone. By then it seemed that every family with children and even those who had none were outside of the Tardis, waiting to hear about the sick ones. You have to understand these people, they thrive on community. The child belongs to everyone because they know that they are the future of their planet. So, when I was able to stabilize the 5 to the point that I could release them to their parents a cheer rose up but then I had to bring out the 3 that didn’t make it. I wrapped them up and cleaned them off and stepped outside to give them over to their parents. A collective wail went through the throng that were there. And you know what Rose, something that I will still need to process to understand is that even those parents that lost their children thanked me anyway. I know it was because I tried but I failed! Three little kids who will never grow up and get to run in that apple grass or feel that warm breeze on their faces. And to think of the hell these little one’s went through in those cells and at the hands of their captures who, I am sure were not gentle in the least.

I have to fix this Rose. I have to stop this from happening to any other family on any other planet because Sandsee’s own government has such disregard for any life that did not originate on their damn world. The regime is about as evil as they come.

This falls on me. No one here has the ability to tear down their systems the way I can.

So, the first thing on my ‘to-do’ list was to make one last trip back to the Sandsee ship. I accessed the memory of the layout and ran up the stairs 3 at a time to reach the engine room. When I got there, I encountered 3 people in front of their computer terminals. I told them to get out of the room but, true to every Sandsee native I have ever met that was not part of their army, they don’t take orders well. So, they stood their ground. I must be honest with you my love, a part of me wanted them to disregard my order.

I still had the faces of those kids in my mind's eye and was seeking vengeance. They picked up their damn pain sticks and did not move. I screamed at them at the top of my lungs…  
“COME ON, COME ON AND JUST TRY TO HURT ME”  
Then I added the worst thing you can say to one of them…  
“YOU ARE ALL COWARDS, EVERY ONE OF YOU”

Now THAT got their attention. They ran at me all at once, catching me a bit off guard. See, I was in Warrior mode and not Assassin mode because I just wanted them to try and take me out. I ran in there with gun’s blazing as they say without figuring a plan a head of time. One thing I did consider was that if all of them hit me or even two of them with their sticks ratcheted up high they may be able to stop my hearts. Not a pleasant thought. Then of course it got worse. Another native carrying his own stick came up behind me, he must have been on a break or something. If I had paid attention I would have seen the empty seat at the computer. Damn, that is what happens when you don’t think first. So, I did something on the fly, not knowing if it was going to work or not; I put a perception filter on myself and quickly moved to one side. Well simply due to luck the one guy who had been behind me hit one of his friends and vice versa. They both fell to the ground. Then still within the filter I got behind another one and, grabbing him around the neck spun him towards his neighbor. He ended up hitting him with the stick, so I let him go and he dropped to the floor. The last person looked around, trying to see me and he finally did pick me out. But I was already on him by then. I could see his fear in his eyes Rose and I almost, almost took pity on him and was going to just let him go but 1) he was part of the taking of the kids and 2) he would just run and sound the alarm about me being in their control room. So, I picked up one of the sticks and as he ran I caught him around the neck with it and strangled him. More deaths I would have to answer for someday. I kept the filter up even though it was starting to fade the more tired I got. It takes a lot to hold the filter in place. 

Thankfully all I had to do was open a panel, twist a few wires together, hit a few buttons and walk off the ship. I began counting it down. I knew that it would take 17 minutes for the rigged Castide powered engines to lift the ship off the docking pad. Or should I say TRY to lift it off the pad.

The sealed and locked docking pad.

(“Whew” Jack reacted, “he must have been so pissed that he would chance setting off a Castide powered engine explosion. This is not a tiny little boom here. But to set it to go when it is locked down in the dock…brilliant!” Jack grinned at the image of the Doctor)

Calculating that it would take about 12 minutes for even their best engineers to figure out the situation and then another 3 minutes to realize there was no way of stopping the it. That No one would get off that ship alive; there just would be no time. I made my way to the Tardis just as the vessel tore itself to pieces, lighting the sky behind me.

I never flinched, and I never looked back.

So, one slave ship down out of hundreds? Not even going to put a dent in their procurement of kids. I’ve got to destroy their ability to grab any more children from the central location. Sandsee here I come.

Rose, what do you think of me now? Do you love me still or have the horrors I so vividly presented to you scare you away from me? I wish there was some way to know. I made a promise to myself not to sugar-coat my experience in this letter or in my journals. You have to know this part of me too. Rose, this is part of who I am, but it is not ALL that I am. You know this. You know my heart. I was taught how to hurt and inflict pain on an enemy to survive and to complete a mission, even though I hate that aspect of myself it is sometimes a necessity. I was always a rebel and if I did not agree with what I was ordered to do I wouldn’t do it.

If Jack is still there he knows about this and you can ask him anything you need to know.   
“Jack, its ok to talk about it to them”

Again Rose, these are little boys and girls lives I am doing this for. Do you think it is worth the risk? Honestly, should I have just come back to you and tried to forget or worse just ignore what I had seen? Just let it go on? After all, Earth is incredibly far from Sandsee and Akash. No risk for any children to be taken from there. Where does my authority end? Is there a line drawn in the sky in some distant universe that I don’t need to cross? Where the peoples of these worlds can take care of themselves, solve their own problems, are in no risk of invasion from another planet or even amongst their own?

Sometimes my love, I wish there were more of me but then again, we would all love you and I am very possessive person. I wouldn’t share. And you would be exhausted. I don’t mean to make light of the situation, I think I just sometimes get tired. Problem is I can’t stop. I want to stop though Rose, I just want to be next to you right now and feel your embrace. Just rest my head for a little while. You now what? WHEN I get home, we are going on a vacation just you and me. Maybe we can call it a (gasp) ‘honeymoon?’ If you will still have me that is.

Journals to follow when I can.   
I love you Rose Tyler, into eternity  
Your Doctor


	9. Some Answers

Chapter 9 ~ Some Answers

 _All this time the surveillance machine has been all up in your affairs_  
_When will you realize that I am the answer to all your prayers?_  
_It might seem like a thankless existence_  
_But don't lose hope just yet_  
_You'll be remembered for your persistence_  
_And this is the thanks you get_  
_“Answer” – They Might Be Giants_

All three of them just sat there trying to absorb it all, and put themselves in his place. Jackie finally spoke up and said, “ _I think that not helping would have made him as bad as the kidnappers_ ”  
Finally Rose turned to Jack.

“ _Why didn’t you tell me_ ”  
Jack just shook his head. He knew they would have a bunch of questions and that he was their only connection to what he had told him about his past.

“ _What would you have done Rose? You needed to hear it from him. But now that you know_.”

Rose thought for a moment, wanting to ask him some questions but afraid to hear the answers.

“ _Is he dangerous Jack?_ ” Jackie broke the silence first  
Jack’s first reaction was to chuckle because he just never associated being dangerous with the Doctor. But then he really considered what she was asking, and it was a valid question after all that he told her. He looked straight at her.

 _“Yes and no”_ he quickly added

 _“He would NEVER EVER EVER hurt you or Rose. He is very good at using the right tactic at the right time. In other words,_ _if he walked in on either of you being hurt in any way, let's use that guy Jimmy as an example, you can be sure that IF he allowed him to live he would not be around to threaten either of you ever again.  And I am sure that his absence right now from your lives what with that guy free to prowl the streets in the same town as you has him seething and wanting to be here to keep you safe.  All that being said, he is very disciplined in knowing what is enough and what is too much. Granted his love for both of you may taint his thoughts but the reaction should stay the same.”_

_Jackie thought for a moment and asked about the kids being stolen from their homes_

“ _Ok but is he going too far now?  Are the children's abduction making him angrier than it should?_ ”

He had to think of the right way to answer, no lies just the truth as far as he knows it.

_“After what I have heard here in his letter PLUS my knowledge of Sandsee I think his reaction is appropriate. That place is a whole different type of beast Rose, I had heard the rumors about the children being taken but didn’t really pay that much attention to it. The rumor mill is always churning around this or that happening there. But the Doctor saw it happen, got validation that it does exist and therefore had to act. It is his job Rose. His moral code is so right that when something gets in there to throw it off it becomes imperative that he take care of it. And his skill set is ideal to do it too. If I was there I couldn’t do it. I don’t have the ability to. But your Doctor does.”_

“ _Jack_ ” Rose looked down and said it quietly _“Do you think he will make it home?”_

Jack took a long sigh and looked up at their ceiling as if garnering strength and then looked straight her.

 _“Rosie”_ he began softly, holding her hands in his, _“I don’t want you to stop believing in him. There is always a chance, a good chance especially for him if he keeps focused and believes in himself AND knows that you believe in him too. Remember he was top of his class at the Academy and from what he told me about the tests it must have been such a brutal thing to take on. He had to track someone who was way above his abilities, who knew things that he wouldn’t know and then disarm him using hand to hand combat.  He was not allowed to use any of the other techniques he learned from the book he 'borrowed', just pure brute force and physicality was allowed._

_At the same time, HE was being tracked so he had to try to evade the person whose job it was to find HIM.  So, there is the young 20-year-old Time Lord, and keep in mind that a being who can live as long as he can being only 20 years old, anyway who not only found who he needed to find and brought him down he then had to back track, sneak behind the other one who was tracking HIM and take him down too. From what he said no one had ever tried that before, let alone succeeded. But they made it as hard as they did for two reasons._

_According to him some of them saw him as so incredibly gifted that he needed a harder test to prove himself worthy. The other half wanted to see him fail. The had their own issues and agenda’s and he was in their way._

_Now, the government wanted to keep him around as long as possible being as good as he was. And THAT was why he was granted 16 regenerations as opposed to the known high of 13._

_Did he ever tell you that no one is born a Time Lord, that it is a title that must be earned?_  
(Rose nodded no as both she and her mum sat on the edge of their seats.)

_He told me he was so proud that day when they conferred the title on him. He had to take some sort of verbal test where he had to give a speech that would last exactly 2 hours and 22 minutes on our clocks. No more, no less. If you can’t study and then give the speech AND can’t keep track of time what kind of a Time Lord would you be? So, he did and received the diploma to put on his wall. He told me he was the first one in his family to ever be granted the title, but his family was so distant and cold that they just wanted to know how that would affect their social standing. Can you imagine going through something that grueling and your folks basically didn’t give a damn unless it brought up their status in the community. He said it tore him up._

_So anyway, like he said the Sandsee militia are not really known for killing. That is not their way. They are 'vicious cowards' as the Doctor describes them and it is a perfect description of the way they work. They can leave a person so messed up that they pray for death. THAT is what they do. This way they can claim to not have any blood on their hands. The prisoner usually ends up taking their own life, so they feel devoid of responsibility. Even though they are the ones who are inflicting the torture that drives the person to do it. I know of only one person who survived an interrogation in the jail at Sandsee and is now living in a mental ward.”_

Rose grabbed Jack and began sobbing into his shirt.

He cursed himself for going too far in his description but in all honesty it was on his mind as well.  And he was just as worried as they were about the same thing. 

Rose for her part had just watched him change into her new doctor and will not watch him wither and die emotionally and or physically. She will just have to wait for his journals to show up.


	10. Journals of Sandsee/1

~ Journals from Sandsee

“And all my sorrows awaken  
And all my fear's run down  
I turn myself into an angel  
I run myself into the ground

And all the reasons invading  
Twist and turn my aching soul  
I leave myself behind in pieces  
I know you'll need them when I'm gone

I'm on my own, I'm sure I'll feel it now  
I'm on my own, I'm sure I'll know it now”

“FEEL IT NOW” by Black Rebel Motor Cycle Club

 

Ever since receiving the letter she has been waiting to hear from him. She cries herself to sleep every night and refuses to leave the flat every day just in case the first journal arrives. Her mum can do nothing to ease her pain, now that she knows he was only trying to protect her. Jackie adores him for that. From the moment he discarded the leather and put on the pin stripes she felt better. And he came to Christmas dinner. That sealed it. But now, hearing about his childhood and the horrible decisions he has had to make and how much he loves her daughter, so much so that he would pretend to not love her at all to keep her safe. Well, when she sees that daft alien she is going to tell him how proud SHE is of everything he has done. And how much she loves him too.

One day Jackie decided to drag her out to lunch even though she protested. Jackie remembered that the Doctor said that this courier would find her when there was a journal to deliver. That told her that Rose really didn’t have to stay home.

She was right.

The three of them (Jack said he would not leave her until they found out how he was and when he was coming home) were eating some chips in a place near home. Rose sat, not talking but reminiscing about when the new Doctor had taken her to the exact same place on the way home from a fancy ball, no less. Both were dressed to the nines with the Doctor in his tux and she in her tight fitting, neckline plunging Tardis blue gown. 

He had taken her hand across the table and rubbed her knuckles with his thumb. The look in his eyes were hungry and she is sure her’s reflected the same. But something as usual got in the way that night sending her to her mum’s flat to help contain a romantic emergency between Jackie and whoever she was seeing at the time. By the time she got back to the Tardis he was sitting under the grating, surrounded by multiple pieces of electronic equipment. He glanced her way and asked her if everything was ok but that was the extent of conversation between them that night. There was always something getting between them.

She was still locked away in her memories when something like a cool breeze on a bright sunny day seemed to blow through her. Her name was being whispered inside her head, telling her to turn around. So, she turned and noticed a man a few tables away staring at her. He had dark hair and lovely blue eyes just like her Doctor described him.  
But still, well it could be anyone. She didn’t want to stare and was just about to turn back when the man grinned. She found herself grinning back and that is when she knew it was him. Her heart recognized him as being the Doctor, which was made real when he came over to her table, took her hand and kissed it. Rose jumped to her feet and threw her arms around his neck surprising him so much that he hugged her back as he whispered in her ear…

“I guess you would refer to me as the 8th incarnation of your Doctor and I have a message to deliver to a lovely, blonde haired lady from a mutual friend”

“And I am guessing by your reaction that person is you” she nodded enthusiastically, feeling like she couldn’t speak. 

She was taken back to his regeneration from 9th to 10th and how she couldn’t understand how he was the same person. Now she was completely accepting that this man was also her Doctor.

She reluctantly let him go just to get a better look at him. So, this is the Doctor before the great war but still the one who went to the academy and garnered all that praise. She could sense a joy in him, unburdened by what was to come. Jackie herself was overjoyed to see him as well, giving him a big kiss which, his older self said he should expect. 

She smiled at this and did not take offense. As Jack stood up to greet him Jackie couldn’t help but whisper to Rose “Wow, he is a real looker, isn’t he? I wonder if he is single…you could have your own handsome Time Lord and I could have mine”

“Mom, it doesn’t work that way they are all the same person remember?” Rose whispered back, impatient with her mom’s attraction to HER boyfriend.  
“So, Doctor, should we go back to my place…I mean…” 

He laughed at her, a joyous thing to hear.

“Yes, it would be much, easier to do than here. The quieter the better”

Rose took his hand and laced their fingers together. She marveled at how they fit perfectly, just like with her Doctor.

They got to the flat and Jackie offered him some tea which he gratefully  
agreed to.  
Rose turned to him and said…

“Thank you so very much for doing this. These journals are the only way I can keep in contact with him and I know it can’t be easy for you.”

He put up his hand and said simply,

“Rose, you may not be that thankful with some of the things I transmit to you. I..he..doesn’t know what will happen but you will be seeing things through his eyes. His perspective. It might get very…. intense. You have to be able to fly above it, so to speak. To witness it subjectively and not partake in it. It won’t be easy, but I will help as much as I can.”

Rose knew what he was trying to say. She just shook her head and agreed.  
“Also, if you want your mum and Jack to ‘listen’ in, we can try to help them see it too. Between your ability and my ability, we should be able to show both of them the journal entries too.”

Jack as usual was all in, not only for his own sake but for hers as well.

“Mum?” Jackie thought for a moment, biting her lip. Then she took one look at into her daughter’s eyes and knew she had to go on that virtual journey with her.

“Ok now, what do we do?”  
@@@@@@@@@@@

"Day 12 on the lovely leisure planet of Sandsee"

"First off if you haven’t figured it out yet, that incredibly handsome guy transmitting these to you is me, right before your leather one. I might have already covered this, but I am sure he doesn’t mind getting a pat on the back for his efforts twice."

(The handsome Doctor just shook his head and chuckled)

"I say that because you may catch this one in leather as well. If you want to number us he would be my 8th incarnation. I asked him to cross his time line to retrieve these messages to you from me. Each of us seems to excel at something and the Doctor there with you had the best ‘time sense’ out of any of us. What that means is that he would know the right moment to jump forward and grab these and then go back and transmit them to you and then get back to his own time. We are very lucky that he agreed to do this because he didn’t have to and in fact all the memories that he garners during this will have to be wiped clean at the end.

There are a few of us whom I could never and would never ask to do this. I overheard the grumbling from the others when this Doctor agreed to help. Didn’t sway him though.

He’s one of the good ones Rose, I was proud to be him."

(His 8th self blushed a bit at the compliment. “I just heard enough about you Rose, that I had to meet you face to face. He never stops talking about you”)

“Ok well, enough about me let’s get back and see what’s going on in the Journal. All of you close your eyes and I will try to open up the timeline for you so you can follow it along. Kind of like notes on a paper where each note is another stop in time. OK can you all see the inside of his Tardis? The rotor has stopped, can you all see that?”

They all could see inside of the Tardis and agreed that the rotor had indeed stopped.

Her Doctor walked over to a mirror, so they could see him. Rose and Jackie both gasped at the sight, not used to him wearing something so different than what they were used to.

What do you think of my new threads. All black. I have heard that pin stripes and long tan coats are out of style here. I haven’t worn this since the academy and it still fits. It is night now outside, so I’ve got to blend in.

Well it looks like I was expected, judging by the communications I have been intercepting. No red carpet yet. So far it seems like they know I am here but where ‘here’ is they are not so sure. I don’t see anyone outside via the monitor, so this is as good a time as any to walk away. That reminds me, I am sorry about taking the Tardis key from you, but you need to understand that being able to walk her halls and rooms would only hurt more. 

Have I told you I love you lately? I love you Rose Tyler. I wonder what you are doing during your days. I hope that Jimmy doesn’t come calling because no matter where I am I will get hold of him and hurt him worse than he might hurt you."

(“Jimmy?” the 8th Doctor said)

(“Long story but he was a very abusive boyfriend of mine that just got out of prison, if I am not mistaken” Rose saw the shock in this Doctors eyes.)

(“Well you make sure you let me know if he causes any trouble, alright?” He said.)

(Rose promised she would, very happy to know that her Doctor would be there for her just in a different incarnation.)


	11. Chapter 11

**_If_ _I stay, it won't be long_ **

**_Till I'm burning on the inside If I go,_ **

**_I can only hope That I make it to the other side_ **

**_If you want to get out alive_ **

**_Run for your life_ **

**_If you want to get out alive_ **

**_Hold on for your life_  **

****

**_Get Out Alive_   _by Three Days Grace_ **

 

****

They could see by his perspective that he was approaching the door to the Tardis.  He put one hand on it.  Then moved it until it was over the spot her tears had left.

_Rose, I so don't want to do this.  I know I should; after all, danger is my middle name, right?_

_One push and I am out there.  One push and maybe I can save some kids._

_But one push may mean I never get to see you ever again.  (_ he drops his gaze to look at the floor but then lifts it with a renewed sense of purpose _.)_

_You know, I got to thinking about something and I hope I am not being too forward with this topic but after seeing what I saw I was wondering if you ever want kids?  You know Time Lords and Humans are compatible in every way as far as reproduction is concerned.  So, on paper at least we could have children._

_And no, Jackie we never did do anything but believe me I am planning on it!  Well listen to me running on, just assuming you still love me and want me at all. You might have told my 8 th self-thanks but no thanks.  Just in case you are still listening, marry me and let 's have children someday, alright?  You can tell him, and he will tell me telepathically the next time I send something to you._

_Well, will you marry him/me Rose?_

_(suddenly the picture in front of them got blurry and out of focus.)_

_What is wrong?  Why is it suddenly so hard to see clearly?  Rose said, worried that something bad had happened._

_The 8 th Doctor looked up at her and smiled. It is ok Rose, He's ok. It is a little bit blurry because he was crying.  Jackie sobbed along with him, everything was so overwhelming._

Rose looked at the 8th Doctor through her own tears and answered his proposal with _yes, a million times yes._

_I will let him know if I can next time.  It will give him strength to finish and get back to you_

As Jackie and Jack took a break the 8th Doctor said to Rose in a whisper

_Thank you. I know you will make him very, very happy. Now you will just have to decide if you want to bond with him.  What that means is you both will be able to speak to one another telepathically. There are two types; one is a simple bond like I just described  It is much easier.  The other, well, is a marriage bond and I will NOT do that with you.  That is for when he gets home to you._

She was curious now.  _But what is it, the marriage bond?  Why not the marriage bond?_

The 8th Doctor sighed , _I wish I hadn't mentioned it_.

Â b _ut you still haven't answered my question, why not that bond instead?_

 _Rose_ he said solemnly, _It is an unbreakable bond. If something were to happen to him or vice versa it would drive the other mad and cause incredible emotional pain that there would no relief from. There are very few ways to break a marriage bond and one of them would be death.  The first, lesser bond is fine because you or he can disconnect the line, so to speak if either of you needs to_.

 _The marriage bond is permanent. You would be in constant contact with him. But again, I will say speaking for both of us I will not initiate that type of bond with you_.

Â Rose sat back in her chair.

 _Rose,_ Jackie said, _don't you even think about it._

 _Do you think that creating the lighter bond would help him?_   she asked

 _Yes, I think it would because you can give him your strength, being able to communicate with him will really make him feel like he is not alone_.

_But how do I form a link with him if I can't speak to him?_

Jackie stared at her, then back at the Doctor, then at her again.

_Rose, he is right in front of you_

Rose looked over at the 8th and he winked.

 _Shall we begin_?

He pressed his fingers lightly on the side of her temples.

_Now what you should feel is almost like a warm breeze blowing through your mind.  It may come through as a swirl of color or even something like a knock on a door.  Now, you can close any doors where there are memories that you may not want to share right now. I promise I won't peek._

Almost immediately she sensed his presence as a beautiful rainbow of color moved through her mind.

 _Very good! Now picture something from your past or a simple pleasant scene where we can speak_.

Rose pictured the one place that felt totally safe.

 _Woman Wept_? he said to her out loud. _I guess I am going to be taking you there someday!_

 _It is beautiful, maybe I can get the Doctor to take me there when he comes home?_ Jackie smiled

_Ok now can you see me behind you?  First see if you can sense me, then turn towards my voice.  I will be calling your name in my mind._

Rose immediately turned and saw him, this Doctor.  She walked towards him and stood there smiling.

_Ok Rose, now let me see if I can get you and your Doctor together.  Just hold on a moment._

Rose stood inside his head waiting when suddenly there was a pull emanating from his thoughts that tugged her forward, causing her to swirl within his mind with something much stronger than she could resist.  The colors pulsated and merged into one, also creating the same whirlwind of warmth and love within this Doctors thoughts.  Colors danced and moved within and around each other in a joyous rhythm, binding tighter and tighter to the Doctor's Timeline. Â Before he knew what happened he felt her cascading through him with a warmth unlike anything he had ever felt before.  It wrapped around her Doctors essence like a golden hug.  This Doctor gasped and tried to put up his shields, but the light was already bound too tight for him to untangle her.  She had successfully completed a marriage bond to her Doctor and therefore, every Doctor all on her own.

 _No, no, no. Why did you do that?_ _HOW did you do that?_

The Doctor was shaking his head with his hands rubbing his temples and looking at her partly in amazement and partly in horror.Â  He grabbed her hands and squeezed.

 _Rose, you are now bonded to us and cannot just release us from your mind like you might have been able to_.

_I am sorry, I felt like I had no control over it.  Before I knew what was happening I could feel the same colors and warmth you sent to me reflected back into you.  But I swear, I did not try to do it, it just took on a life of its own!_

Suddenly, she sensed another in this 8th Doctor's mind.

 _Rose what happened love?_ In front of her, coming out of a fog was her Doctor.  She grabbed him, and he held her tight like a balm against the pain he was experiencing.

 _Rose, he still has the journals to read to you and I know that the newest one is not great. You will feel everything I have felt and am feeling.  And my love, it is incredibly painful.  I can barely tolerate some of the things that are happening to me. How can I put you through this Rose?_  

He is crying now.

_How can I watch you suffer and still do what I need to do?_

He is looking into her eyes with tears running down his face. 

_Rose. There is nothing I wanted more than to share this bond with you but NOT NOW!_

She is watching him pace in her mind.

 _Let me put this as bluntly as possible, I MAY DIE DOING THIS AND IF I DO YOU WILL BE DRIVEN MAD WHEN THE BOND BREAKS_.

 _AND HOW WILL YOU FEEL WHEN I KILL_ _BECAUSE I KNOW I WILL HAVE TO!_

His voice is rising in her mind, he is angry, running his hand through his hair,

_I HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO ROSE._

_THEY WON'T GIVE A DAMN IF THEY FIND ME.  I CAN'T SAY TO THEM, NO, WAIT, DON'T.  MY MATE IS LISTENING IN AND IS FEELING MY FEELINGS TOO.  DO YOU THINK THEY WILL CARE?  DO YOU THINK THEY WILL STOP??_

_ROSE, THEY WILL ENJOY IT AND USE IT AGAINST ME!_

_She sighed and, gazing at him with what seems to be older eyes than even his put her finger against his lips and said calmly Doctor, I know this is going to be hard but give me some credit.  As long as I am with you I can give you strength and love when you need them the most.  I will really try to stay out of your way and not over-react to what is going on._

He looked at her warily; his Rose but somehow more than that.  He added _What's done is done though so please, Rose, try to stay in the back of my thoughts if possible._

He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. He looked over her shoulder and was speaking to his younger self,

_Teach her about shields and then test them out with the next journal entry,_

_Of course, the 8 th said, I'll do my best _and then added _I'm sorry about this._

 _Don't apologize, she can be hard headed and very strong willed. Besides, I don't think it was in her power to stop it from happening_ he was smiling at her.

He knew. With the gold flecks in her eyes and the power that was so familiar to him now, he knew.

He was about to elaborate when he suddenly raises one finger, closes his eyes and tilts his head slightly. It is dark, and he is in what looks like a cabin.  She can feel his muscles tighten, his mind shifts, shoving her to the back.  Someone is outside.  She can hear what he hears; someone panting, not animal but a sentient being.  Leaves are being pushed aside.  He takes a position by the door.

Rose is scared now for him and he can feel her fear.  He throws it off, like a coat that doesn't quite fit. 

The door is opening, squeaking on its hinges. She can see the end of one of their pain sticks poke past the door frame.  She can hear his thoughts, feel what he is feeling as he waits patiently just a little further... a little further and now the scout is inside, and the Doctor grabs his arm and the stick falls when he twists its behind his back.  He puts his hand over the man's mouth so no one else can hear him.  He trips him to the floor face down, puts his knee in the middle of his back and firmly pulls the man up sharply, breaking his back.  A final, ragged breath leaves the now still body.  She hears her Doctor think "..not a child, thank Gods" as he turns him over.  He turns away and is drawn back to Rose.

She is in shock, she wants to run away but she can't.  She must stand with him, feeling his breath as he pants and his heartbeats gallop.  He reaches down and checks for a pulse but there is none.  He is breathing hard but trying to be quiet because he is not sure if anyone else is outside.  He knows that a Sandsee scout rarely travels alone.  He stays on alert, waiting in the dark with the evidence of what he has done lying on the floor.

 _Rose, are you alright_?  her Doctor whispers, _p_ _lease, please Rose answer me._

She cannot respond.  She is frozen inside.  Does she feel sadness?  Relief?  Are these his feelings or hers?

The 8th Doctor takes her hand, grounds her, brings her back to the here and now.

 _Rose look at me_ this Doctor puts his arms around her and brings her into his lap.  Jack is quiet, he is just sitting there taking in what he saw.  Jackie is in tears because, even though she could not see the whole skirmish she did feel what the Doctor felt doing what he had to do.  The combination of the 8 th and her own daughter's abilities helps heighten her own.  She is not angry at him though, she knows he did what he had to do to stay alive.

The Doctor rocks her daughter and tells her he loves her.  Asks her forgiveness.  Says there is nothing else he could have done.

Jackie bends down and looks her in the eyes and tells her that she HAS TO let it go if she wants to see her Doctor ever again.Â  She realizes then that he may still be in danger from someone else outside of cabin, so she calms as best she can so that he can focus.

 _That's my girl_ she hears her Doctor say in her mind but while he is telling her this someone comes in the window next to him and knocks him down.  She can feel him hit the floor and can see the stick coming down at him and she rages with him and sends him the extra strength he needs to fight off the scout.  He trips him like the last and in a flash, is on top of him, pushing the stick down and pressing it to his neck, fighting him all the way as the scout tries to push it back but can't because the Doctor is too strong, struggling to live until he stops breathing and is dead.

He sits back and drops the stick to the side, reaches forward and closes the man's eyes.  He feels Rose's shock and pain and allows it to wash over him for only a quick moment because that is all he can grant.

Rose has seen death before but is not accustomed to it being so calculating, so she mourns the young soldier.  Her mother of all people grounds her and makes her see that these deaths must happen for him to get back to her in one piece.

 

D _ay 15_

_Rose, I have just realized how stupid I have been sending you these holograms, I should stop. But Rose I need to let you know over and over how much I love you.  You are the reason I go on.  If not for you I would have given up living oh so long ago. I die each time knowing that when my new eyes open you will be there for me.  So, Rose if I die and happen to regenerate and you are walking down the street sometime and spot a pair of ancient eyes (with great hair I hope) tap him on the shoulder.  Hopefully he'll recognize you. If he doesn't I will push through and kind of give him a shove in your direction.  There is a way for me to do this, I mean I have never done it before but in theory._

_Sometimes I think that this next time around I would let nature take its course and not regenerate. It is just a feeling that my next incarnation is going to feel different about things.  About people.  If I ever let you slip away from my mind he thought causes me too much pain especially now that we are bonded.  And what about you, when I suddenly open my eyes and have no idea who you are?_

_It is so dark suddenly,_ Rose said.

_I will see if I can focus it in a bit, so you can see it. Time Lords have good vision in the dark, so he can see dimly where you might not be able to see at all._

Suddenly the picture lightened.

_I have moved to a cave and am tired of eating foliage.  Rose, I never want to see a green leafy veggie again.  I feel like a rabbit.  How are you today?  I hope you are smiling.  Go ahead and smile please.  Just one for me, ok?_

_Well that was close.  Another pair of army scouts came poking around my 'home'.  They could sense my telepathy since they are strong telepaths themselves.  I tried to put up my inner shields in time, but they found me anyway._

Her 8th Doctor could feel Rose trembling.

_Rose, do you want me to stop?  Jackie?  Remember you are not really there.  It is like a movie you are watching.  Try to take yourself out of the picture Rose. I know it is really hard to do._

Rose nodded to go on.  Jack and Jackie as well.

_Rose, I killed them both.  It was either me or them.  I keep telling myself that and although I know it is the truth I always second guess myself.  I can't do that. I have to stop that. It is harder than I thought it would be to switch from a healer to a killer.  Rose, you have to try to sit in the back of my mind.  I can feel you.  I can't hesitate because I can feel your fear for me.  I cannot have any fear._

_I couldn't move them back outside of the cave for fear they would be found so they are here next to me.  They are not the best conversationalists.  I keep looking at them.  They have parents somewhere, barely out of childhood themselves.  Oh Rose, I need to be with you, for you to tell me it will all be ok.  I can almost feel your arms around me. Thank you, my love.  Got to sleep just a bit. Goodnight._

_(_ about 1 hour later)

_(Ok, I have to leave here as it is getting too busy above me.  I can hear the voices of other scouts poking around.  Waiting for night time to move.  Fingers crossed._

Suddenly Rose got up and ran from the table.  The Doctor, Jack and Jackie close behind.  They found her curled up on her bed, her breath hitching and her shoulders shaking. 

Jackie wrapped her in a tight embrace.  Since she was not a telepath by nature; she didn't feel the emotion as intensely, but she was able to watch the pictures as graphically as Rose.  She remembers how Rose used to get panic attacks when she was younger and that is what is happening now. 

The 8th Doctor quietly sat on the bed next to her and urged her to come to him.  Jackie looked at him and understood; he was just what she needed. 

 _Rose  Don't cry, I am still ok and always with you.  I am sorry you've had to see any of this.  I love you always.  Shhh, my love_.  The voice was not the same but Rose understood that this was her Doctor speaking through his younger self. 

The 8th Doctor scans the next journal and claims that it might be even too much for him to read.  Very erotic.  Rose says she wants to hear it.  So, does Jackie which garnered a dangerous look from her daughter.  Jack just smirks at Rose and crosses his arms in front of himself. 

Her 8th Doctor blushes and continues.


	12. Day 27 (When Doves Cry)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor gets a break and decides it is best spent describing to Rose exactly what he wants to do to/with her when he gets home. Jackie decides it is a good time to make some tea. He Also owns up to his one time experience on Mageda. Very adult/mature rated so be warned. Yeah it is only a letter but still.....
> 
> Sorry I have been lax with summaries, I will try to be better at inserting them.

****_Dig if you will the picture_  
Of you and I engaged in a kiss  
The sweat of your body covers me  
Can you, my darling, can you picture this?  
Dream if you can a courtyard  
An ocean of violets in bloom  
Animals strike curious poses  
They feel the heat, the heat between me and you

**_“When Doves Cry” ~ Prince_ **

__

_ Day 27 _

_Hello beautiful, I am picturing you waking from sleep while I get ready to take a quick nap myself.  I am so tired but at the same time strung as tight as bow.  You know I don’t need that much sleep normally, well I find myself needing it a bit more.  I think it is the atmosphere.  Barometric pressure is very high, so it is a bit harder to breathe.  And it constantly rains!  Not good.  That puts me at a disadvantage, but my body can acclimate to it if given time. Time. You would think a Time Lord would have a bit more of it._

_Back to you my love.  What are you wearing, if I can be so bold?  I remember seeing you in this skimpy little teddy thing, red I think.  You had come back to the Tardis from a party with Shareen wearing it underneath your practically see through blouse and super short shorts.  And your hair was all messed up and your blouse wasn’t buttoned right.  This was an all-girl party, right?  None of those male strippers there?  Jimmy wasn’t there was he and if, so he didn’t hurt you, did he?   It wasn’t long after getting this new face, do you remember?  I am NOT jealous and don’t believe the other me when he tells you I was._

_(“I was incredibly jealous”_ the 8th chimed in with a smile _)_

_Well, maybe a little.  Was there anyone else besides Jimmy the loser or Mickey in your love life in the past?  For me it has been a little over 50 years since I was with a woman.  I was drunk with a certain Captain who shall remain nameless.  No wait, I am here, and you get to be there so to hell with you Jack._

_Commence the eye-gouging Rose, I’ll wait._

_Ok so WE were both drunk on hypervodka and this woman comes over and plants herself in my lap.  We were in a bar on Mageda and ..._

_“Wait!”_ Rose turns to Jack and tells him that when the Doctor said he was leaving her it was to be with a woman by the name of Mageda and that you knew her!

 

Jack just stares at her, looking like he is not quite getting what she is talking about.  Then suddenly he puts this huge grin on his face, claps his hands and begins laughing.  _“Oh Doc, you used Mageda as your new imaginary girlfriend’s name?!”_   Even the 8th Doctor had to laugh at that one. 

_“Well one of you’d better do some explaining and quick!”_ Jackie looked from one man to the other, itching to slap someone.

 

“ _The Doctor told me that the name of his new girlfriend was Mageda and that Jack knew her well.”_ Rose looks over at Jack, “ _ok so whose Mageda_?”

 

Jack looks over at the Doctor sitting at the table, _“we’re all waiting Doc, tell Rose who Mageda is!”_

_“Thanks Jack, remind me to hurt you someday in the future when I actually know you.”_ Jack for his part, looked every bit the innocent as he put his chin on his tented hands and waited patiently for the answer.

_“Ok well, the easiest way for me to get out of this directly is to keep reading my older self’s letter.  So as I was saying,_

_“We, as in Jack and I were in a bar ON Mageda (_ as in the planet of the same name!  Are we all clear on this now?  Can I get to the good stuff or has everyone forgotten what I said this communication is pretty much about?  Looking around the table no one seemed to have any more questions, so he continued _)_

_WE were both drunk on hypervodka and this woman just comes over and sits in my lap.  Now we forget (or we were too drunk to remember) that the skin of both the women and men there has a natural and very potent aphrodisiac in and on it.  The people of Mageda are forbidden to isolate themselves with just one person while at their respective places of employment, meaning they HAVE to pass around the goods, so to speak._

_So, they handle the first part of the transaction while another girl (“Or guy!”_ Jack chimes in _.) does the rest.   Anyway, there is this very pretty topless woman now sitting in my lap and I am clueless and drunk, so I am just smirking up at her like a loon and she takes her finger and runs it down my neck and the next thing I know I am on a bed with this other naked lady on top of me and if you think how far gone I was between the vodka and the touch, I was absolutely a mess by then._

_And she was a rare, high level (most on Mageda are low level) telepath who got into my head because all my defenses were down, and I could feel everything she was feeling and vice-versa and it had been so long.  So, when we finally umm…consummated the act,_

_(“Achieved penetration to have an orgasm”_ Jack decided to inform everyone _)_

_I passed out, it was that intense.  All I remember after that is waking up on my bed in the Tardis who commenced yelling at me in my head that I had been stupid and should have just used my damn hand if I was that desperate._

_“The Tardis told you that?”_ Jackie shot back _._

_“Well I really can’t speak to what my next incarnation might have heard from his Tardis except to say it wouldn’t surprise me”_ the Doctor said

_“I like her, a woman…I mean ship after my own heart”_ Jackie stroked the wall next to the table.

_“And that was your 9 th or 10th body?”  _Rose just realized he didn’t specify.

_“Well judging by the fact that he said it had been around 50 years I would have to say my 9 t.  So, the next one up.  I knew you in my 9th body Jack?”  _he asked him.

_“Yep, I was a Time Agent and I met Rose on Big Ben.  Hey, Rose that means your new one is virgin!”_

_“Hello, now who is getting off track?”_ Rose admonished them

_“Sorry_ ” both the 8th and Jack said, _“So to continue….”_

 

“ _Anyway_ …. _we will have to try that sometime.  I mean just you and me, not go to Mageda!  Or not.  Whatever you want Rose.  If you want to stay friends that is fine and if you want something more it will be fine too.  OK more than just fine.  OK utterly amazing._

_Your mum should most definitely NOT listen in to this part.  Jackie, go make some tea or something and that’s an order!  Gee, that felt good Rose…I just ordered your mum around!_

(Jackie looked at her daughter and just shook her head no and kept listening)

_Oh, what I want to do to you.  I want to see that teddy on you.   I want to rip your clothes of you until you are standing there just wearing that.  And maybe those stockings with high heels as well.  I can’t wait to bite lightly down your neck and then push the straps down your arms, revealing your breasts.  Oh Rose, you are so beautiful anyway but topless, with your lovely breasts staring at me you are exquisite.  I want to bend down and take a breast in my mouth, suck on a nipple until it becomes a hard peak._

(Jackie decides at this point that tea is not a bad idea and leaves the table to go and make some)

_Hold your other breast in my hand and feel its weight.  Then keep going down while peeling that little number off you. When I get further down I will pick you up and sit you on the edge on the coral next to the rotor and run my finger over the material covering those wet, luscious lips between your legs.  Oh, I am so hard just describing this to you.  Next, I will bend down, open the snaps revealing your wetness and then drown in them with my tongue, lips and teeth.  Put your legs over my shoulders and open you up wide.  I will take 3 of my fingers and press them into you until you press against them, fucking yourself on my hand.  I want to hear you scream Rose, scream out my name.  I am stroking myself right now, hard to do when you are listening for someone who might try to kill you or take you hostage.   I am biting my lip, holding my sweater over my mouth so that no one hears me when I come which is any second now.  I hope that you might suck me off sometime and that is enough to do me in.  Oh, Gods that would be amazing.  To look down and see you between my legs as I thrust into your mouth.  This is too much._

_Sorry about this. ‘Gods I hope this happens sometime soon.’  And to think it all started with that little red undergarment you had on.  So technically it is your fault. I will make you pay for your transgressions when I get home.  I need a distraction although I shouldn’t.  I used to be disciplined enough to stay on constant alert, but my skills are a bit rusty in that arena.  I keep telling myself the further I get in this and the nearer I get to completing the mission the closer I get to return to you. When I close my eyes, I can see you sitting there hearing this. I miss you so.  And your mum too (yes there, I said it!)  (Speaking of your mum, the next ‘letter’ is to her.  Rose and Jack, do you think you both could let her hear it alone?_

_Love you my most sexy angel,_

_Your Doctor_

 

Rose went in to the kitchen where her mum was drinking her tea and sat down next to her. _“Well is he done telling you in graphic detail what he is going to do to you?  And if he is it had better be on that ship of his and not in your bedroom!”_

Rose caught her mum smiling over the edge of the cup _.  “Now can I say I told you so about him?”_ Jackie teased her daughter _. “I knew there was some reason he was trying to push you away.”_

Rose put on a small smile despite the amount of worry she was carrying.  She finally decided to just get it out in the open, _“So do you think I should marry him?”_ Jackie came back with just what Rose thought she would say, _“That is up to you sweetheart, but I can say that I don’t think any other man, alien or otherwise could ever love you more than he does and that you will never have to worry when he is with you, he worships the ground you walk on and when he says ‘forever’ he really means it.  And most importantly you feel the same way about him too.”_

Rose smiled _“so I take that as a yes then”_ to which her mom only shrugged.

Rose almost forgot when she came to get her _.  “Mum, the next transmission is just for you from him.  The Doctor is waiting for you.”_

_“He sent a letter just for me?”_ Jackie was shocked to say the least.

__


End file.
